Day 13: Personal Entry - Open Hands

The other day, I heard someone use the phrase, 'I love with open hands' and it has stuck with me. I can't remember where I heard it or the context it was used in but it made me think of how I want to love my kid(s).

So much of me wants to hold on tight with white knuckles and keep her safe from every possible germ, danger and difficult challenge. But of course, if I did this she'd never learn and grow and experience what she needs in order to be a fully functioning adult.

Beyond the need to let go in order for her to grow, there is my need to let go in order to trust God. Our Father of good gifts loves our precious babes more than we do. They are really His. We are blessed with the time we have with them and blessed with the challenge to raise them. But they are still His.

When I was pregnant and praying for our sweet girl, I prayed that God would keep my heart in check on this. I knew that once I saw her little face, it would be harder and harder to trust the Lord with the timing of her life. And it has been true. The longer I know and love Emerson, the harder it is to think that if something were to happen to her, I still need to trust that the Lord is greater. His plan is greater and His will is greater. And that He is good.

Moments before Emerson was born and it was clear that she needed to be born a minute ago, I began praying that God's will would be done. I trusted Him. After she was out and during that long minute while we waited for her to take a breath, I still prayed that God's will would be done. I've said before that in my heart there was peace and not fear. In my head, however, I was thinking that surely God wouldn't bring us through 40 weeks of pregnancy only to lose her before she started breathing. Surely God wouldn't ask that of us. Yet, I knew full well that we weren't exempt from heartache or pain. God might have asked that of us and we would struggle through accepting His good and perfect will, even if it included the unbearable. Somehow he would use it for His good. Somehow we would endure. Somehow we would be better for it. And I had peace in that. Thankfully, His will was the beautiful life we are enjoying today.

I remember having similar thoughts as I waited for the weeks to pass until we were out of the miscarriage risk window. Maybe this seems morbid, or maybe it seems pessimistic but I just wanted to go into this journey with the reality in mind that our kids are not our own possessions, but a gift from God. A treasure to protect with our lives and then some.

Again, the longer I love our baby girl the harder it is to remember that she is not solely ours, nor is it our sole responsibility to keep her safe. This is a partnership with our Creator and it is only through a trusting relationship with Him that we can really do our best for her. It makes my insides flip-flop to think of something happening to her. It makes my heart drop to my toes when I think about trusting the Lord like Abraham did with Issac. Or when I think of the tragedies in history that involved children, like the gas showers in the Nazi death camps or the third class passengers in the Titanic. How did those mothers (and fathers) endure that torture. These thoughts make me curl my toes and begin plans for a safety bubble. But of course there is no bubble big enough. We can't really do anything, except turn it over to the Lord and trust His perfect will. Prayerfully lifting our child(ren) up to Him, petitioning Him for wisdom, safety, protection, and the faith to trust Him through whatever life brings us.

Open hands. Trusting heart.