Harrison's Birth Story

Friday Sept. 25th started out like any other day in a hospital on bed rest. I thought I had several more days of this! I hadn't slept great the night before because of the continuous monitoring (which showed nothing but good news that our little Monkey was doing just fine). In the early morning my temp went from in the 97's to the 98's, which is still normal but I was a little worried that it might keep creeping up. I had the personality conflict nurse again that day and was just trying to lay low and make it until shift change. At about noon my legs started to feel a little achy and again, I was worried it was maybe infection coming on, but really it was too soon to tell. Also, baby's heartbeat is the first indicator of infection and he was looking rock solid.

By mid-afternoon I was having more braxton hicks contractions than typical for that time of day, but they were still classic BH contractions, spotty/one sided, painless etc. Around 4:00 Blake brought Emerson down to spend some time together as a family and planed on bringing her back up around 7 for bed and then probably coming back down for the night.

Our last moments as a family of three.

Between 5:30 & 6:00 I was still having more frequent BH contractions but they were becoming a little uncomfortable. It was really strange because they were still only one sided but also felt cramp-like in my lower abdomen. I told Blake but I really wanted to wait until after shift change (6-6:30) to say anything because I just didn't want to deal with this nurse. He was getting nervous because he could tell they were getting more uncomfortable. So finally we decided to call in the nurse at 6 and have them put the monitor on to check on Monkey and see if there was any pattern to these weird contractions.

A random nurse answered my call (whew) and hooked me up and then at 6:30 my nurse and the new nurse came in to do report and I updated them both on my contraction situation. It was really unclear if I was going to end up in labor or if this was just false labor, so no one acted too worried. We did decide to have my parents come get Emerson instead of Blake bringing her home though. They got there around 7:30 and left around 8:00. By the time they left I was having to concentrate a little to get through the contractions, which were starting to be a little more like normal contractions and less like BH contractions. Poor Emerson kept asking me if I was feeling okay ('Feeling otay mommy? Feeling otay?). We said goodbye and goodnight and they left wondering what was going to happen tonight!

Around... maybe 8:30 the hospitalist came by to check with me. The contractions were around 6 minutes apart with some outliers a little closer. I asked when he would decide if I'm officially in labor and that this was unlikely to fade off. He said something vague like maybe soon. I thought this would be a more official decision for them but I guess not.

I was completely working through these contractions like I did when I was well into active labor with Emerson, so in my mind it was the real thing, I was just waiting for them to declare it so that we'd feel okay with them checking me. At some point my nurse changed and my new nurse basically slipped in quietly after introducing herself. There was enough time in between contractions that we got to know her a little and vice versa.

Obviously at this point, birth plans aren't really important. Getting your baby out safely is the priority. However, our nurse was really great about trying to give me the best of both worlds. She really gave us our space, keeping the lights off and letting Blake and I work through things on our own. It was really the perfect combination of my home birth atmosphere in a hospital. They did keep the monitor on me, but it wasn't really interfering with my labor mojo since I'm not much of a wanderer. Our nurse came and went to give us our space until things picked up more. Only occasionally she would reach in and push the monitor during a contraction to make sure she could watch his heartbeat, and for the most part this wasn't intrusive but sometimes it was killer to have her push on my abdomen during a contraction. This was pretty minor though considering I was a high risk delivery and they would need a lot of people in the room at some point.

(Warning, birth terminology about to appear). It was some time between 9:45 and 10:00 that I lost my mucus plug and that certainly sealed the deal that I was having this little guy. I was happy to have this sign of how things were progressing but given the intensity of the contractions I was really mentally preparing myself for a long night. I felt like they were as intense now as when I was only a few hours from having Emerson, but that was also hours after losing my plug. So I thought I was in for several more hours of this as I dilated. At any rate, I figured this meant I would certainly start dilating now and that is a good mental reminder to help me get through each contraction. It really helps me to visualize what is happening during each contraction. I told my nurse about my plug and said I must be in active labor now. She said my contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart and that she had considered me in active labor for awhile now. Oh.. okay then.

I remember asking what time it was and it was sometime around 10:20 or 10:30. I was surprised at how quickly time had gone by. The contractions were fairly intense but my TENS was helping, as was going between the exercise ball and standing/leaning on Blake. I really had to concentrate on what each contraction was doing to my uterus and that each one meant soon we'd have our baby in our arms. I remember thinking that the contractions were getting pretty rough but then it seemed like they weren't as bad as they just had been. I could do this! After the contractions seemed to ease up a little I noticed I started humming through them. Otherwise I'm quiet in labor and really keep everything in my mind, just breathing and relaxing so my uterus can do it's work. I was standing with Blake for a few of them and I remember I felt like I could really feel things opening up. Then another contraction hit and I leaned on the bed and suddenly it hit me that there was something there. I said, "It's like his head is right between my legs". We decided I'd better be checked so I climbed up onto the bed and she checked me. She said I was complete plus two and went to get the doctor. I was sitting there and asked Blake if he could see the head, it felt like it was RIGHT there! Then the next contraction came and Blake yelled, "Head! We have a head coming!" The nurse runs in, hits the code button on the wall and yells, "EMERGENCY! Get everyone in here!" as she's rushing to the bed and catches Harrison just as he is coming out at 10:50. I'm not sure I even pushed! The lights were still off when he came out but they turned them on almost immediately after.

A few seconds later the room was swarming with people. Labor and delivery nurses, the doctor, the pediatrician, the NICU nurses.. they all rushed in asking where was this and where was that. My nurse just kept saying, "Nothing, we have nothing! We didn't know he was coming this fast!" Blake told me this because I don't really remember anything except looking at my sweet little guy and being so glad he was screaming and crying. That was my prayer because if he was screaming then the doctor said that they wouldn't rush him off and I'd get to hold him for a bit. If he was screaming it meant his lungs were pretty good and that was one of our biggest obstacles as a preemie. There was so much hope in his little screams. He received 9's on both APGAR tests.

Apparently he had a short cord because he couldn't reach to my chest or my tummy but was resting on my leg. I was holding him and the nurse was helping me. My doctor had come in and said, "What happened!?" He started gowning up and prepared to deliver the placenta. He started doing the meanest things to my stomach. Oofta. I mean seriously.

The pediatrician came over and started looking at Harrison and said to cut the cord. I asked to let it go until it stopped pulsing. She said their policy was to let it go for one minute and it had been one minute. I said I'd like to let it go longer. The doctor said he could finish getting ready. It was at least over three minutes. He let Blake cut it and then they let me hold him on my chest for a few minutes but pretty soon they had all their stuff ready for him and took him to do their assessments. I don't remember what they did except that he kept showing us his lungs worked and I was being tortured by the doctor and it felt like he wanted to get all of my insides pushed out by force. Apparently he wasn't happy with how things were going because he gave me a shot of pitocin to help stop the bleeding or whatever he wasn't happy with, he didn't say.

Eventually they got their assessments done and Harrison was back on my chest. I got to nurse him for as long as he wanted to, which was quite a while, over half an hour. I was so impressed and couldn't believe how quickly and easily he latched right on and went to town. I mean seriously, the kiddo just knew what he was doing!

After he was done nursing, the patient staff weighed him and measured him and the NICU team took him off to his own NICU room and Blake followed along. I had to stay in my room for two hours and have by blood pressure monitored and have my uterus and abdomen assaulted every so often. After about an hour and a half she said it seemed like I might need to use the restroom and it occurred to me that yes, I did have a full bladder. So I got up to go to the bathroom and my nurse could tell that I was feeling okay. She let me get busy packing up our things and loading them onto a cart. By the time my two hours were up I was on my way to my postpartum room and then off to NICU see my baby.

I'm still shocked and amazed at how much better my body is doing after Harrison's delivery compared to Emerson's delivery. I'm sure this is partly due to his size and also the more preferred head-down presentation. Plus they say that subsequent births are just easier to recover from. At any rate, I feel like a million bucks comparatively.

1:00 in the morning, snuggling my little guy.
Who can sleep when there's a baby to hold!?

It doesn't really seem like a fair comparison, since his head was so small, but so far I'd say that head down deliveries are much nicer than bottom down deliveries. I didn't really know what to expect, which is probably why his head descending caught me off guard. Head down means a bit of pain and then easier shoulders etc and then it's over, but bottom first meant easier at first and then excruciating as you try to pass a wider and wider part of the baby. We'll see if I change my tune though if I have a bigger baby sometime. Blake isn't so sure we should try to have more kids, given the wild variety of births I've had so far. He says my pregnancies are too hard on him ;).

All in all, this was the most ideal outcome that we could have had from this situation. We feel extremely fortunate and know that God was really answering the hundreds of prayers being sent His way. We are so amazed at His faithfulness. My first priority was keeping Harrison safe, but God saw fit to also give me a peaceful, natural birth with my husband by my side. I'm just in awe of how it all worked out!

Day 13: Personal Entry - Open Hands

The other day, I heard someone use the phrase, 'I love with open hands' and it has stuck with me. I can't remember where I heard it or the context it was used in but it made me think of how I want to love my kid(s).

So much of me wants to hold on tight with white knuckles and keep her safe from every possible germ, danger and difficult challenge. But of course, if I did this she'd never learn and grow and experience what she needs in order to be a fully functioning adult.

Beyond the need to let go in order for her to grow, there is my need to let go in order to trust God. Our Father of good gifts loves our precious babes more than we do. They are really His. We are blessed with the time we have with them and blessed with the challenge to raise them. But they are still His.

When I was pregnant and praying for our sweet girl, I prayed that God would keep my heart in check on this. I knew that once I saw her little face, it would be harder and harder to trust the Lord with the timing of her life. And it has been true. The longer I know and love Emerson, the harder it is to think that if something were to happen to her, I still need to trust that the Lord is greater. His plan is greater and His will is greater. And that He is good.

Moments before Emerson was born and it was clear that she needed to be born a minute ago, I began praying that God's will would be done. I trusted Him. After she was out and during that long minute while we waited for her to take a breath, I still prayed that God's will would be done. I've said before that in my heart there was peace and not fear. In my head, however, I was thinking that surely God wouldn't bring us through 40 weeks of pregnancy only to lose her before she started breathing. Surely God wouldn't ask that of us. Yet, I knew full well that we weren't exempt from heartache or pain. God might have asked that of us and we would struggle through accepting His good and perfect will, even if it included the unbearable. Somehow he would use it for His good. Somehow we would endure. Somehow we would be better for it. And I had peace in that. Thankfully, His will was the beautiful life we are enjoying today.

I remember having similar thoughts as I waited for the weeks to pass until we were out of the miscarriage risk window. Maybe this seems morbid, or maybe it seems pessimistic but I just wanted to go into this journey with the reality in mind that our kids are not our own possessions, but a gift from God. A treasure to protect with our lives and then some.

Again, the longer I love our baby girl the harder it is to remember that she is not solely ours, nor is it our sole responsibility to keep her safe. This is a partnership with our Creator and it is only through a trusting relationship with Him that we can really do our best for her. It makes my insides flip-flop to think of something happening to her. It makes my heart drop to my toes when I think about trusting the Lord like Abraham did with Issac. Or when I think of the tragedies in history that involved children, like the gas showers in the Nazi death camps or the third class passengers in the Titanic. How did those mothers (and fathers) endure that torture. These thoughts make me curl my toes and begin plans for a safety bubble. But of course there is no bubble big enough. We can't really do anything, except turn it over to the Lord and trust His perfect will. Prayerfully lifting our child(ren) up to Him, petitioning Him for wisdom, safety, protection, and the faith to trust Him through whatever life brings us.

Open hands. Trusting heart.

Happily Four

We’re still working our way towards ever after, but the last four years have been incredible. I almost hesitate to say how happy I am for fear of ‘the other shoe’ dropping. Almost. Instead I’ll say it, trusting God and His plan for our lives instead of holding my breath. Life is so wonderful.

The longer Blake and I are together the more it seems we complement each other. It’s amazing to see what God can do with two people when we let Him grow and change us, albeit slowly, closer to His image. I look back at how we felt when we got married. We were on cloud nine, dizzy with love. We knew we were good together, but we had no idea what God had in store. We couldn't have imagined how He would grow and ground our love even deeper every day.

I know that we wouldn’t be where we are now if God wasn’t a part of changing and growing us. I know we would have struggle through the stresses of life, instead of flourished. I know it isn’t luck when I look at Blake and wonder how I got this lucky.

When I look at my husband’s eyes today I see the eyes of the boy I met so many years ago. They still twinkle when he smiles and flash with mischievousness when he teases. Now they also tear up when they look at me holding our daughter. He’s still the same kind, funny and rugged guy he’s always been, just with a softer heart as he seeks to honor the Lord more every day. I respect him, trust him and I’m so proud to be his wife.

In four years we’ve enjoyed so many special things together. We usually use our anniversary as an excuse to travel, first Venice, Italy and Greece; second was Australia and third was Rome, Italy and Israel. For our fourth we traverse the new world of parenthood and we are loving every minute of it. All the countries in the world can’t compete with seeing our sweet girl looking in our eyes and smiling. We have loved experiencing all that we did together, but we’re ready for this new stage and adventure of a different kind.

We continued our tradition of recreating one of our favorite wedding pictures. 

Four years

Three years

Two years
(after being up for over 30 hours returning home from Australia!)

One year

Our big day

And because I could pick just one.. here was the alternate. Emerson is a little more visible, but it isn't as close to the original.. and lets be honest, it came down to my hair.

We also took one just the two of us.

When the Evening Comes

Lately I've been waking up with a song in my head. You might have heard the popular Christian/worship song by Matt Redman, 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). It's one of those songs that instantly realigns my heart, even if it's been overplayed on the radio and sung at church for months. I love it. I have loved it since I first heard it awhile ago, but it's recently come back around and plays through my head when I wake up. Specifically this verse:

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

It's that last lyric that really sticks with me as I go about my morning routine. It's my prayer for the day as I close my Bible (app). I can have a wonderful time with the Lord in the morning, but by the time I find myself crawling back into bed at night I look back at the day and know that it didn't end how it started. Sometime between my shower and logging in on my computer at work I get distracted by the routine and to do list.

It's been my struggle lately. Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, those things become the focus of my day and steer my attitude, instead of the focus of worship I started out with. How can I change this, how do I keep my focus on the Lord instead of being consumed by the task at hand? How do I change my habits and remember to make work about the Lord in an environment that prohibits any trace of Him?

I don't have answers, but I do have a Father who knows what I need and is helping me grow. So my prayer remains: Let me be singing when the evening comes.

So, What's It Like?

To be married to me?

This summer I met with a group of women to go through the book What's It Like to be Married to Me?: and Other Dangerous Questions. It was an encouraging experience. This book provided a nice outline to discuss marriage and to challenge ourselves to become better wives.

Although it wasn't quite as dangerous as I expected, reading and discussing this book with friends was a blessing. The topics, or dangerous questions, were thought provoking and helped us to think about our marriages from a different perspective. It is also very helpful that the author provides a study guide in the back of the book. My only criticism would be that some of her stories/examples are a little extreme and harder to relate to for the average wife. Other than those few exceptions, Linda Dillow does a great job in tying together scripture, personal experience, literature and examples from other women. While it was no dangerous sledgehammer to the forehead, it served as an encouraging reminder of what's important in life and in my marriage.

I thought I'd give you the dangerous questions (i.e., chapters) and some of my insights from them (where appropriate), both to share with you and to remind myself later! I had intended to do this as I went through the book, but instead it's all going in one (long) post.. sorry!

Intro: By Design, Not Default
Talks about why you married, what you expect out of marriage and what your examples of marriage were from your childhood and young adulthood. This chapter also discusses, most importantly, why should we look into ourselves and how we could change instead of looking at our husband's weaknesses (not that we ever do that.. right?). I needed this chapter to snap me out of selfishness. As I was starting this book I thought, why am I always reading marriage books and improving myself as a wife and Blake isn't reading husband books... An obvious example of why I needed to do this book study!

1. What is really important to me?
What do my choices say, what are my priorities? I found that the answers to these questions really depended on the season of life we're in. When I'm not working, I can easily make Blake a priority, however, when there are demands like two jobs or someday little kids, it's not as easy - but just as important - to make sure my marriage and husband are a priority. Jesus said it best in Matt. 22:37-39 : Love God first and your neighbor as yourself.. well, who is your closest neighbor? Your husband!

This chapter challenged us to write a purpose statement for our marriage, and also gave some great examples of what God did in women's lives who chose to put their marriage at the top of their list.

So as the book suggested I chose to adapt a scripture for my marriage purpose statement:
1 Corinthians 13:1-7 *I had to write my own for the exercise, but also love The Message version)
If I'm well read and well spoken in every area, but don't love Blake, then my words would only be white noise.
If I was as spiritually adept as Paul, and understood all of God's plans and ways, if I had faith that could move mountains, but didn't love Blake, I would be nothing.
If I worked night and day for the poor, the fatherless and the widows, if I rose at dawn and worked til all hours of the night, but if I didn't love my husband more, then I would have gained nothing. 

I will be patient with and kind to Blake
I will not be jealous of him or boastful to him or proud or rude to him .
I will not demand my own way.
I will not be irritable, and will not keep a record of when I am wronged by him. 
I will not rejoice in the injustice he experiences but will rejoice whenever the truth wins out. 

I will never give up on our marriage, I will never lose faith in God's design for our love, I will always be hopeful for the best in our lives and I will endure through every circumstance life brings us.

Stone of Help

EBENEZER is a combination of two Hebrew words that means stone of help.

In 1 Samuel 7:12, it says, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, 'Thus far the LORD has helped us.'”

In Joshua 4:1-9, Joshua instructs one man from each of the twelve tribes of Israel to set up a stone in the middle of the Jordan River as a memorial to the children of Israel that the Lord had brought them into the promise land.

In both instances the Israelites set up memorial stones in order to remember the Lord’s help, the Lord’s blessings, and the Lord’s faithfulness after a time of trial and hardship. They also set up these memorial stones so that they could teach their children about all that the Lord had done for them. Whenever I think about a memorial stone, the words of the hymn Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing play through my mind. Particularly verse 2, and the words: "Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I’m come" which is the inspiration behind this little post (and the encouragement and example of a friend).

If you remember from this post I've been thinking about how I can remember my time of working once it's over. I know that once I'm knee deep in laundry, crying toddlers and dirty dishes I'll sound just like the Israelites after God miraculously delivered them from slavery (see Exodus 16) when all they can do is complain about missing the food in Egypt. Time and time again we see it in the Bible, and in human nature - the grass is always greener, how soon we forget where we came from and how we got where we are today.

I want to remember that we endured this time because God sustained us and blessed us. It was rough, but didn't overtake us. And now, we've made it through!

In an effort to put something tangible behind the memory, I stopped on my way home from my last day of work in Pendleton and picked out a few stones. I'm kind of combining the two concepts of an Ebenezer and memorial stones. I knew that if I picked up a small stone, more appropriate for an Ebenezer, it would get lost in the shuffle over time. I thought long and hard about a creative way to display a stone over time that will still serve the purpose of bringing to mind all that the Lord has done for me and reminding me of the journey that it took to be a stay at home mom (someday).  Ultimately, I picked out three stones that I could put in a conspicuous place, like in a garden, flowerbed or bookshelf.

Where my stones came from.

Where they are now.

The lighter/smaller stone has the Hebrew for Ebenezer written on it.

Movement

I like to be comfortable. I like to make a plan and put on cruise control. I like feeling in control and having my bases covered. I like learning from my mistakes and I like learning from other people's mistakes even better.

I don't know many people that like unpredictability, instability and constant change. I sure don't.

Lately, God has been moving me to a new place. I love it. I love that God is stretching and growing me. I've said it before but I'll say it again. If you aren't growing you're dying and I'm glad to be in the place of growth. I'm glad that He cares enough to challenge me.

That said, growth sometimes (usually) comes from discipline or trials that push us out of our comfort zone and ideally, push us toward greater dependence on God. We're so independently minded in our flesh, but God created us in His image, and His image is dependent... I know, I know that sounds like a fault but it isn't. Look at God, He is three in one. He is the definition of relationships and interdependence. He knows that we are at our best when we are in constant communication with Him and consider His ways in every aspect of our lives. He knows that we are going to stumble and get lost when we forge ahead on our own, in our own power and with our own plan. He knows, just like any parent knows, that sometimes the uncomfortable things lead to a better long term outcome.

In the spirit of dependence, God has been teaching me that my plans are lovely, but what is important is that I continuously seek Him. No cruise control allowed.

Through some unexpected changes at work God has taught me that He will provide. He has better plans for me than I could imagine, so just trust Him. I won't go into all the details but essentially I have no idea what my employment future looks like after this contract ends. This has happened before, and God always provides. I'm excited to see what is ahead and what I'll learn from it. I'm thinking of James 1:2-4 and finding joy in this situation, because I know that it will produce good things in me. God is moving us toward a deeper relationship and dependence on Him, and I'm rejoicing in it.

: :

The other part of this post (or maybe it should be its own?) is the blessing that has already come from seeking Him. Not only is God moving us closer to Him, He's also literally moving us!

The possibility came up that a house next door to and down the street from some good friends would be available to rent. We love the area and have talked about looking around there when it's time for us to buy/build a house. The couple that owns the house are going on a mission trip for 18-23 months (in Russia) and would need just short-term renters.

It sparked our interest because as we count down to starting our family, their return from Russia would fall in line with when we need to be thinking about permanent housing. The time line fit ours... but it really would come down to the money. We don't need to move.. but would sure love to if it didn't upset the budget. However, most rental houses are smaller than our apartment and cost more to rent, so it's never been cost effective to move into a house.

So, after much prayer and consideration (remember that I'm not sure when or where I'll be working soon!) we met with the couple that owns the house and discussed it. Initially, they wanted more than we wanted to pay (which the house is totally worth: 3 beds/3 baths/3 car garage, on some acreage), but after meeting with us they decided that we could work something out (we are appealing short-term renters because we have no kids). So after more prayer and consideration, we came back to them on Sunday with a number that we thought was do-able, even though it would mean still paying more in rent than we need too (because actually, we don't need to move). When we told them our number they smiled and said that after our last meeting they talked and had agreed on an amount that was fifty dollars less than what we'd offered to pay!

That just felt like God's stamp of approval. Not only would he bless us with the ability to enjoy living in a bigger space, with a fantastic yard, deck and garden, which is also really close to several of our friends.. but he would also do it for less money than we'd expected.

We are SO excited to have more space and to feel a little more grown up in a house. I'll miss our apartment and moving is never fun.. but it's an adventure and a step forward. It's God's movement and it feels good!

Lessons in Love

Love is a complex thing. So complex that in the original languages (Greek, Hebrew, Latin etc) they have multiple words to describe what we describe with one word in English: love.

I've been learning about love lately, in a way that is hard to explain but I'm going to try for the sake of remembering the lessons later.

To preface, I just have to say that I've been loved my whole life. I grew up in a house where my parents and family loved me and told me so daily. I grew up going to church and learning about God's love. I have had dear friends that I love and who have loved me back. I have been covered by and surrounded by love all of my life.

One day I realized that I loved Blake, but even more amazing... I realized that he loved me. I mean, he really loved me. The longer we are married the more it sinks in, he really loves me. I can't explain why this was such a revelation but it certainly was. I have never felt as loved as I do now in my marriage.

As I analyze (because this is what I do) how Blake makes me feel, and how I act in relation to how I feel and how all of these experiences reshape my understanding of love; I not only know in my head that Blake loves me, but I know it deep in my heart, I experience it.

At some point it occurred to me that as much as I know that God loves me, I know that I love Him, I fear, respect, and am deeply grateful to Him, I also don't feel as loved by God as I do by Blake. I know I'm loved by God, in my head, I know that I love Him and I know how much I don't deserve His love. But as I started to wrap my head around how deeply I love Blake and how deeply I feel loved by Blake, it made me start to wonder why I didn't feel this deep sense of love in relation to God.

Like I said, I have been loved my whole life, and I have loved God as best I could.. but once I realized that love could be deeper and more intimate than the love I'd known by my parents and friends... I wanted to extend that feeling to my Creator. I can't really explain this, except to think that maybe Blake is the first person that has the choice to love me. I know my parents don't have to love me, but it seems like it isn't as much of a choice for them as it is for Blake. Maybe this is something I'll understand when I have kids, but at any rate this isn't to say anything negative about the love from my parents.

As I understand how I think about and experience love differently, I start to understand that the verses in the Bible about God's love for us describe an even greater love than the love I feel from Blake. The tangible love that I feel in marriage helps me understand a little better the depth of God's love for us.

This all seems a little backwards to me... shouldn't I feel the love of God the strongest, since His love is the strongest? Shouldn't I compare Blake's love to God's love, and not the other way around? I really don't know. All I can say is that this is how it is unfolding.

And as it unfolds I am learning what it means to truly feel loved by God, and to deeply love him back in a different way. When I say that I love Jesus, something in me understands it differently. It is tangible, intimate, logical and emotional. I think it used to be a little less intimate and emotional, and a little more logical.

Isn't growing great!? I've heard it said, "if you aren't growing - you're dying." Another saying goes, "if you don't use it, you lose it." This is true in all aspects of life. Sometimes it's painful to grow, but what's the alternative? Life is about moving forward, dying to my selfish self, being a little more like Christ today than I was yesterday and growing a little deeper in the grace and understanding of Jesus (2 Peter 3:18).

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

What's that sound? Oh, it's just my biological clock ticking.

I thought I'd give you a little update on the journey to motherhood. Not that you asked, and NOT that I'm pregnant (just to clarify again, I said, NOT PREGNANT) but more so to satisfy my need to obsess over it a little more.

I will say that booking a trip that is about eight months from now is helping to ebb the spontaneous urge of forgoing the plan. The trip gives me some motivation and reward for sticking to the plan, since it wouldn't be very fun to be either a) +/- 8 months pregnant on a transcontinental flight (I don't think that you're even supposed to fly by then?), b) pregnant and on vacation in a foreign country (okay I can think of worse things to be doing while pregnant.. but still it doesn't seem like a good idea), or c) cancel a trip with minimal refunds because you are pregnant/giving birth/popping any minute. I'll take option d) stick to the plan and don't get pregnant until August 2013 (or at least not until after November 2012).

I know this sounds so selfish, like oh we want to travel before having kids. And I know that traveling seems contraindicated with financial freedom. However, we really feel that through constant faithful prayer, it just isn't time yet. In addition, we've worked travel into the financial freedom plan and feel that it is worth it.

So here's the obsessive part.

Blake and I talk about baby names at least once a week. Last week he sent me a text of some new names in case we have more than one girl (yikes!) because he was just browsing some names at work (!?). We have a theme to our name picks, but it isn't the same first letter and that's all we're saying. Yes, we are those annoying people that won't reveal our baby name(s) until s/he is born. We will find out the sex, but aren't sure when or how and who we'll tell.

Every time either of us are around a baby - which happens at least once a week at Bible study - we come away with a sigh and a weak resolution to stick to the plan. Sometimes we like to play through the scenario of 'what if' we didn't stick to the plan. What if we just started trying this year, what if we both worked five days a week at our second jobs, what if we... oh, we'll be so much better off if we just stick to that plan.

Speaking of the plan, I can give you the plan timeline in days or months. I seem to review all the alternative dates and possible timelines outside of the plan at least weekly, in case the plan gets tossed out (unlikely.. but you know, just in case). The more I try to work in an earlier ending to the plan (i.e., start trying sooner than the plan dictates), the more I realize why we set the plan up how it is. *sigh* We should just stick to the plan.

We are resolved to stay the course, realizing that it is our plan and praying that if God has other plans.. He'll align our hearts with His and let us know. We may not actually stick to the original plan, but until we are prompted to do otherwise, it is The Plan.

It's interesting how the waiting faithfully is actually helping in many areas of life. Knowing that there is an end to overworking ourselves, helps bring joy to the work. There's a sense of purpose and appreciation for these last years/months of a full-time (paid) career and the chance to use my time wisely. I'm more purposeful in my relationships and take the opportunity to speak words of faith and love to people when I might not have before. I am more purposeful with my work. I take the time to learn from as many opportunities as I can, and have a new desire to go back and really understand some content areas or treatment approaches that I have previously been satisfied with only a rudimentary understanding of until now. I am more purposeful in my household duties. If I think I want to do this full time and add kids to it.. shouldn't I take a little more pride in my system of household management now (or rather shouldn't I develop a system now)?

I'm surprised by how God is using this time. I shouldn't be surprised at all, these days are just as precious as the days that we are looking forward to. I can see that God is using them to prepare us for something in the future, and to make these days count. It never ceases to amaze me what God can do when you set your heart on honoring His. What a great reminder of the blessings that come when you try to surrender your life over and trust Him to replace it.

: :

The next installment: The Baby Plan: Remix

Dining the Daniel Way

Blake and I just finished a three-week experience called The Daniel Fast.

It was many things including delicious! Here are the basic principles taken from this website:

There are two anchoring scriptures for the Daniel Fast. In Daniel 1 (Daniel 1:12, 1:16) the Prophet ate only vegetables (that would have included fruits) and drank only water. So from these scriptures we get two of the guidelines for the fast:

1. Only fruits and vegetables

2. Only water for a beverage

Then in Daniel 10:2-3, we read that the Prophet ate no meat nor any precious breads or foods and he drank no wine for 21 days. So from this scripture, we get a third guideline:

3. No sweeteners and no breads

Another important guideline is drawn from Jewish fasting principles, where no leaven is used during the fast. So that's why yeast, baking powder and the like are not allowed on the Daniel Fast.

Finally, with all the above puzzle pieces, we conclude that no artificial or processed foods nor any chemicals are allowed on the Daniel Fast.

The hardest part was the first three or four days. Day one was pretty easy but days two, three and four came with serious headaches that couldn't be eased. After that it was just a matter of discipline.

I was amazed by how many delicious vegan, -sweeteners, -leavening recipes there are out there. Most of them from the various Daniel Fast websites, and a few I had stored from my old vegan days (months really).

Blake and I were both amazed by how full we would get before cleaning our plates, this food was filling. Unlike other diets, I really didn't feel deprived or starved. I did miss coffee, especially when I met an old friend for coffee and had a steaming mug of hot water. The worst was probably making an Inside-out German Chocolate cake for a birthday at Bible study. It killed me to serve something to friends and not know that it tasted okay.. what if it was horrible and they were just too nice to tell me!?

The Daniel Fast is about more than food though. It's about spiritual food too. What makes this a fast and not just a diet is the heart behind the sacrifice. It's about setting yourself apart and seeking God. It's about refocusing your life and finding the right answers.

Here are some of the things that I took away from the Daniel Fast:

• I am a better person when I spend time with God each day.
• I too quickly turn to worldly comforts like lattes, dessert and giant bowls of creamy mac and cheese instead of the Comforter who knows me best. 
• I really don't need any of those things, I really only need my Creator.
• Going without certain foods by choice is a privilege and a blessing. Millions of people around the world don't have this choice.
• Hot water with a slice of lemon is actually quite fantastic. 
• So many of my habits are empty habits. 
• I lost a few pounds (6.75 if we're counting) and I now appreciate the body that I loathed  before I gained those 6.75 lbs. Funny how a little perspective can change things.
• When things are tough and miserable, I'll stick it out a few days more.. maybe the 'headache' only comes at the beginning. 
• I actually can plan a weeks worth of meals, shop once on the weekend and cook dinner most nights - while working two jobs. Largely by God's grace and some help from the hubs, but still. I didn't think it could be done.
• I can be much more disciplined if I know that there is an end point.
• Life is so short, we only have a little time to make a difference that will last forever. I have all eternity to feast and be happy, but only this little lifetime to produce good fruit. 

It was a really great experience and even better to share it with Blake. I think that this might be an annual or biannual practice in our house.

What's Love Got to Do with It

Those of us that are married know that sometimes we just do things because we love someone. I'd imagine this is the same with your children. It's not a duty or a begrudging thing, it's that you love them so much, you want them to be happy... so you do this thing/chore/hobby etc that makes them smile in that way that pays you back ten times over.

The list of things I do for Blake 'just because I love him' feels pretty short, he's a pretty easy going guy with only a few hobbies and quirks that we don't both enjoy independently. The longer we're married the more we just enjoy the same things and I forget that I used to do it just because I love him. I don't know for sure how long Blake's list is of things he does 'just because he loves me' (Although I'm pretty sure that watching British period piece films and miniseries falls into that category). What I do know is how loved I feel because of it. There's nothing like the quiet reassurance that he knows me inside out and loves me in spite of it.

It makes me think about the things that I do (or don't do, rather) out of love for others. It makes me think about how I generally only do those things that make me feel comfortable, happy or entertained etc. Even when it comes to doing the things that God asks us to do... do I do them out of duty, or just because I love Him.

God doesn't really ask all that much of us. Jesus said, "If you love me, obey my commandments" (John 14:15) and John said, "Now by this we know that we love Him, if we keep His commandments" (1 John 2:3 NKJV). He commands us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. I've said this before, but I'll say it again. If I did those two things more fully... boy the rest would be easier.

I should do these things because it's been commanded to me, but shouldn't I also do them purely out of love and gratefulness to my Father? Because He delights in me and I delight in Him? How selfish I am.

It's the little things like getting out of bed in the morning, praying for people, stopping to give a compliment or a listening ear. Sometimes I do them (sometimes I do not), sometimes out of duty, and on some (better) days, I do them purely because I feel so loved by my Savior and the life He has given me, that I want to share it.

1 John 4:19 (NLT),  says it well: "We love each other because He loved us first."

I know that I have days where just holding back my tongue is loving my neighbor - I am, after all, a work in progress. But there are also days where I feel abundantly loved by a gracious and compassionate God and let's hope I listen and follow, just because I love Him.

Memorial Stone

You know how the Israelites set up stones as a memorial after crossing the Jordan River into the Promise Land (Joshua 4:1-9)? This idea of memorial stones has become a kind of 'thing' now with Christians. A way to talk about times of their life that they will always remember and be able to look at to remind them where they've come and why they are doing what they're doing.

I feel like this time of working (and working and working) will be a memorial stone. It's hard for me to talk about it without complaining, which I try not to do (in writing, on the internet). So thinking of it as a memorial stone helps me be more positive.

I'll refer to my favorite commentary writer (commentarian?), David Guzik, as he discusses the Israelites and their situation surrounding their memorial stones:

Israel was now on the other side of the Jordan - in the Promised Land. But what is life in the Promised Land like? Is it one glorious vacation time after another? No; for Israel it was a place of battle, but most of all, it was a place of trust - they knew they had to trust God with every thing they had, because the challenges only got bigger in the Promised Land - but so did the blessings.

I loved this. (If you remember, God's Country and God's Country Revisited the idea of the Promise Land plays a part in my recent testimony).

We feel like this is exactly where God wants us, for now, and we both feel that, for now, working like crazy is how God is providing for us... but it's a struggle! Like the Israelites, God didn't bring us to the place He wants us for a vacation. He brought us here to live life.. messy, busy, relational life! A life that teaches us to trust in Him for guidance, provision and strength.

I am learning big life lesson right now about dying to self and laying down my ideas for God's ideas. I'm learning to put others first and to be motivated to love others because of the love I have received. These are things that I'm sure I'll need to know when the next stage of life comes along.

I just want to remember this feeling later. When I get to stay at home with my little babies (in 28 or more months), I want to remember how I got there.
When I get tired of doing load of laundry after load of laundry and never leaving the house, I want to remember that I asked for that!
When I start complaining about needing more in my life than housewife and mom, I want to remember that I worked my buns off to be able to afford to have those titles alone.

I want to remember how far God has brought us and how much I look forward to the next set of (even bigger) challenges the Promise Land brings. So this is part of my memorial stone, my reminder of where we've come and the One who shows us where we are going.

What Gives

I didn't intend to take a break from blogging. I miss it, really. It's just that I either find myself with many thoughts and no time to write, or only negative thoughts and nothing worthwhile to write or a small window of time and an empty mind.

I find that in this self inflicted busyness I am becoming a little hollow. Like my brain has been replaced with marshmallow fluff. Night after night I come home and have no desire to do... anything (so unlike me until lately).

It's no surprise though. I can easily explain it. It's kind of like what happens to every house plant I've tried to keep alive: if I don't give life sustaining water to its roots - it gets all wilty and near death.

It seems that the first thing that gives when life gets busy is my quiet times with God. I trade thirty minutes of mediocre sleep for thirty minutes of refueling with my life giving Savior. Over time, I lose focus. Instead of being challenged and growing and making something of my days, I turn inward and selfish and run in self-preservation mode. It doesn't make sense, but here I am nonetheless.

There are plenty of excuses and, sure, we knew there would be sacrifices with our plan for financial freedom. I ran with guiltless freedom from gave up my gym membership right away, knowing that there wouldn't be time for serious workouts. I knew I wouldn't be able to make elaborate dinners or extravagant desserts. I slowly saw my knitting gather dust (And why?  So we can serve the Lord in any direction he takes us, not shackled down to our jobs and bills. So my children can have a full time momma, when the time comes. That's why... just reminding myself).

To work is a blessing. These jobs are an answer to prayer and a way to pay off what we owe (and hopefully to avoid owing much again). So why then, when these blessings make us busy is it God that gets the short end, and ultimately I short change myself. Something's gotta give.. but it can't keep being my time in the Word.

I'm not a resolutioner, but I do like fresh starts and new beginnings. I love the clean slate that a new year provides. So this year, busyness and all, I'm not letting my daily time with God be what gives. And you can hold me to it!

I'm hoping that this blog doesn't continue to be neglected too!

Give Thanks

I always look forward to thanksgiving. It's about family, good food and time off of work to relax. It means spending a day in the kitchen with my two favorite and inspirational cooks while sappy Christmas movies play in the background.

This year did not disappoint. Family was gathered, delicious food was made, prayers of thanksgiving were offered up, food was devoured (and devoured, and devoured...) and movies were watched. It was exactly what I needed during this busy time of work and this season of hustle and bustle. The holiday gave me time to think, time to appreciate the blessings in life, time to cherish memories and time to make new ones.

This year I had a renewed appreciation for the reason behind the holiday.

I was looking through the materials in the well stocked office I share at one of my school buildings and I came across an old vocabulary curriculum that has different units for each season. No surprise, the unit for November was about the first Thanksgiving. There were pictures of pilgrims to color and learn body parts and clothing words, there were picture scenes with pilgrims and native americans to follow directions with and answer wh- questions after a short story. It was pretty cute. Not usually my thing but I knew that some of my students would love it and would do well with the repetition for the month.

As I read through the story and talked about pilgrims and asked the questions I realized that these kids had never heard any of this before. They had no idea what the first thanksgiving was about. When did we stop teaching this? Why did we stop telling the story? I know we water things down these days, even going so far as to rewrite history sometimes, but for them to have never heard of it at all... unbelievable. Then I realized how long it had been since I had heard the thanksgiving story... I had to do some research (and yes, by research I really mean Google).

Here are some facts:

In 1621, the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians shared an autumn harvest feast that is acknowledged today as one of the first Thanksgiving celebrations in the colonies. For more than two centuries, days of thanksgiving were celebrated by individual colonies and states. It wasn't until 1863, in the midst of the Civil War, that President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed a national Thanksgiving Day to be held each November. (source)

Good details but a little dry. Let's keep 'researching'...

The event that some Americans commonly call the "First Thanksgiving" was celebrated to give thanks to God for guiding them safely to the New World. The first Thanksgiving feast lasted three days, providing enough food for 53 Pilgrims and 90 Native Americans. The feast consisted of fish (cod, eels, and bass) and shellfish (clams, lobster, and mussels), wild fowl (ducks, geese, swans, and turkey), venison, berries and fruit, vegetables (peas, pumpkin, beetroot and possibly, wild or cultivated onion), harvest grains (barley and wheat), and the Three Sisters: beans, dried Indian maize or corn, and squash. The New England colonists were accustomed to regularly celebrating "thanksgivings"—days of prayer thanking God for blessings such as military victory or the end of a drought. (source)

Now we're getting somewhere. The real thanksgiving story was about a group of believers that, in faith, moved to a new land to start a new life. A life without a crazy king that dictated what the people could believe, what version of the Bible to read and if they could read the Bible at all. The Pilgrims sailed to the New World in faith that God would provide. They agreed to seven years of hard labor, just to pay for their trip. Over half of the people that arrived on the Mayflower, didn't make it through the first winter. Yet they persisted in faith. It is amazing how God provided for them through the native americans (I'll be honest, it's hard for me to not say Indians). It is incredible to see how God wove our history together through the faithfulness of a few hard working believers that were willing to be a living sacrifice.

I know there are, and have been, many ways of looking at this somewhat forgotten story, but this year I want to remember the story that gives glory to my Father. Without this story, there wouldn't be mine, or yours.

I'll end with a quote about the pilgrims from William Bradford, par. 28 (a really interesting read if you have the time):  

"They cherished a great hope and inward zeal of laying good foundations, or at least to make some way therunto, for the propagating and advancing the gospell of the kingdom of Christ in those remote parts of the world; yea, though they should be but even as stepping-stones unto others for the performing of so great a work." (sic)

 I'm so thankful for their courage, faith and determination to be stepping stones toward a bigger story.

All I Have To Offer...

... are tidbits right now. My poor neglected blog. A few years from now I'll look back on these weeks and wonder what I was doing in November, 2011 that cut my blog posting in half.

So, what have I been doing?

Working! It's progress report time. One of the main reasons I put working in the schools further down on the list of preferred work settings. I have 65 students on my caseload but I also had to write the progress reports for a co-worker who is out on maternity leave. That made the count somewhere up around 90. It's also been a crazy month for scheduling meetings since there are so many no-school days, half days and I'm missing three days for the ASHA Convention. No complaining, that's the rule.. I'm just saying, I've been busy writing.. just not here!

Nothing. For some reason I don't feel like doing anything when I get home from work. Sure, I might make dinner, but after that... I seem to have no desire to read, write, knit or bake. I just want to sit or sleep. I've never been this idle. Usually I try to cram too many activities into my evening. Not lately though. I seem to come home and turn into a vegetable.

Thinking. So many thoughts so little motivation to finish them, organize them and type them. Mostly I've been thinking about these things:

• Our plans for the future, vs. living in the now. We have a plan for getting out of debt and saving. I know that this is a good idea and we'll never regret paying things off early and saving... but sometimes I wonder if we should be equally focused on living in the here and now. Supporting our community more and giving more while we are both working. It is something I continuously pray through.
  
• "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matt. 12:34) I've been challenged lately by the things that come out of my mouth when I'm being really (too) honest. I struggle with being positive and loving as a baseline, but isn't this my flesh... aren't I replacing these things with fruit from the spirit? It doesn't seem like it sometimes. Why is the abundance of my heart slightly bitter and so critical? This is something that the Lord has been working on in me lately. All too often I think back over a conversation and see the ugliness that came from my heart. I hope that someday my heart's abundance will be filled with love and kindness for others, and maybe that will overflow out of my mouth instead.
  
• "But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment." (Matt. 12:36) This coincides with the above. Not just the too honest words, or the flesh-filled words but the idle words. All those words that are sent out with no real purpose. I'm challenged to make them count a little more each time I have a seemingly unimportant conversation. 

Celebrating. I went to Boise, Idaho this three-day weekend to help celebrate my goddaughter and cousin's little girl's third birthday (Blake was hunting for five days in North Dakota). Joie is a doll and full of life and sparkle. She is such an articulate little three year old and that makes this SLP's heart glad! Here are some pictures: 

So excited for her castle party!

She really wanted to eat that cake.
See the fork!?

And she loved the balloons :). There
was also a castle jump house outside!

Surrender

The world will tell you to look within yourself, that you have all you need inside to accomplish your dreams and to achieve happiness.

I agree that we humans are powerful creatures. We were, after all, created by a powerful God. Yet, I have found that the more I look within myself for answers, power and happiness the more I .... keep looking.

The real power in our lives comes when we make the choice to surrender. It's a powerful thing to submit all of your being to the One who made you. To harness that power and give the control to Someone who can direct it and make something of it.

Sure I have the capability to create my own destiny, make a difference and strive for happiness, but what a mess I make on my own and what a short, insignificant story I would write.

Our lives here are brief, but my life in eternity is forever. I want to make a difference that lasts beyond time, beyond the world's idea of happiness.

I have the choice to seek myself, or to seek the One that will be found.

I have the choice to struggle in my own strength, or I can surrender wholly to the one that knows my strength best.

I have the choice to be wild and powerful, or to be wildly under the eternal power of Jesus.

My choice has been made. It took me too long to realize I can't serve myself and Him. I finally understand that there's no way to be but all-in.

I SURRENDER my life, for a better one.

A Life Made Simple

I tend to make things complicated. I don't like to, but I do. I over think things, I over analyze and we all know I over discuss things (see all previous posts). It's the human part of me. I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about how simple life can be if we let it, and how much more simple my life seems recently. Life in Christ is meant to be simple.

The beauty of a life in Christ is that the older you get, the longer you live for Christ, the more simple life becomes. I can remember a time when I thought that it wasn't so easy to 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind (Matt. 22:37). I've realized though, that the more I try to live this way, the easier it becomes. I think that this is probably because the more I put God first, the better things turn out, it snowballs and the easier life gets. It's simple.

Not that I have it down pat - far, far from it - but it's cool to look back and see the pattern of simplicity that follows the times that I surrender to Jesus and try to put Him first. I was praying this morning about some friends that are experiencing life's struggles, I found myself just wishing for them that they could just surrender their chaos to Jesus. He makes all things new. His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt. 11:30). His advice is wholesome. His words are plain (Prov. 8:8-9). He makes life so simple.

That's not to say that life isn't complex. Our bodies, this planet, our social networks, our relationships and our value systems - they are all complex just like the One that created them. That doesn't mean that they have to be complicated though. There is a simple answer.

I like this verse in the KJV because it has a certain ring to it: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matt 6:33). Or in the more modern version: "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." NLT.

Life can be so simple.

On My Heart:

These are the things that God has been teaching me lately. They are only tiny pages in the greater story of life long lessons. If I try to expound on any one of these thoughts I end up with pages of words that lead to more pages of words. I’ll try to be concise (my constant challenge) as I share about the thoughts running through my heart lately.

Lay down your life. God calls us to ‘lay down your life for a friend’ and he says ‘he who loses his life for My [Jesus’] sake will find it. I’m realizing that He does not simply mean that you should die for a friend or for Jesus (although I suppose it could be included), but that you should sacrifice the things that you want for your life in order to help another person or to do what God might want for you instead. In the small sense, this may be giving up your place in line for a person that needs those few extra minutes. In the large sense, this might be giving up your dream of having a huge house, in order to afford to take in more foster children. The beauty of this is that Jesus promises that when you ‘lay down your life for My sake, you will find it’. So these things you are giving up, He replaces. He either gives you a new dream, makes the dream you gave up happen anyway, or provides for you in some way you couldn’t have ever planned for.

Loving your neighbor as yourself. Loving your neighbor of course includes loving just about everyone, which then also includes loving those people you don't really like or that are irritating to you. This really ties into the concept above. I’ve discovered that part of loving your neighbor is laying down your life/wants/needs for those of the people around you. It’s not so much about giving them a cup of sugar when they ask, or bringing them baked goods, or inviting them to church (although it could include those). It’s about putting others’ needs before yours for the sake of the life Christ has given you. It’s putting what you want in Jesus’ hands and trusting that He’ll provide a replacement. C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, "Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him." I have found this to be true. The more I act like I love the strangers around me, the more I actually do care for their needs more than my own (Some days, that is. I am, after all, still a work in progress).

‘O you of little faith.’ ‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things’ ‘Your Father in heaven knows the things you have need of before you ask him.’ These can all be found in Matthew 6. They have stuck out to me a few mornings in a row and remind me that how silly it is when we worry about the trivial things in life, and the important things for that matter. I should also include this verse: ‘If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!’ which is in Matthew 7. Of course God wants to bless us when we are trying to honor Him.. even our earthly fathers try to bless their kids... sometimes when they aren't honoring their parents. I just love these reminders when I start to get caught up in the spreadsheet, the what-ifs and the how-will-we's of life. O you of little faith.


Love never fails. I am reminded constantly that even when I grow weary of praying for a long list of people around the world, God is not weary. His love is unfailing and He never gives up on us. The words "unfailing love" appear 121 times in the NLT version of the Bible. Jesus even tells a story in Luke 18 about an unjust judge that is so tired of the pleading of a wronged woman that he finally grants her justice so that she'll stop asking. Jesus says that if even an unjust judge is worn down by asking, how much more quickly will our just Father listen to our pleads. Just another reminder to keep on praying. Praying for friends, family and brothers in Christ.

Hold Me

Some days are a struggle and you barely manage to get through each moment from the time you climb out of bed until the time you climb back in it. I have had my share of these days lately.

Then there are other days where each moment brings joy to your heart and a smile on your face. Days where you can't believe how good your life is and never knew you could be this happy. Today was this kind of day.

All day long, despite really early meetings, last minute schedule changes, driving from school to school and job to job, a forgotten lunch and a husband who had the first type of day- God continually brought joy and cheer to my heart.

On days like this I revel in every happy moment, every positive attitude and every natural wonder. The whole world looks brighter and more beautiful - even here in the dry, dusty desert!

This is me stopping and smelling the roses {sniff} {sniff} ahhhhhhh! Thanks Lord for days like this, you melt my heart with love and overflow my cup with supernatural joy, peace and hope.

On the way home from Pendleton, one of my favorite songs came on and drove my great day home. On top of that, it is K-Love's free download song of the week!

Here are the lyrics in case you haven't heard it. I'd highlight the lyrics I love most, but I really can't narrow it down that much. I just love this upbeat song and all the words in it.

Jamie Grace: Hold Me [featuring Toby Mac]

(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you, the way you)

I've had a long day I just wanna relax
Don’t have time for my friends, no time to chit-chat
Problems at my job, wonderin’ what to do
I know I should be working but I’m thinking of You and
Just when I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down
That’s when Your smile comes around

Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh

(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you)

Well You took my day and You flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground
Forever in my heart, always on my mind
It’s crazy how I think about You all of the time
And just when I think I’m ’bout to figure You out (figure You out)
You make me wanna sing and shout


Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh


I’m so grateful and thankful for all You’ve done
Wish I could tell You in a short story or poem
But, all I have is my voice and this guitar
And You have my heart

Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, every day, every day
Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it oh-so-special
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh I love

(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me) x 3
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you, the way you)
(I love, I love, I love, I love the way you hold me, hold me, hold me)

The Road Ahead

The most profound thing that my grandpa has ever said to me went something like this:

"Jilsy-Pillsy, I'm proud of you. You've worked hard and your parents did a good job with you. I'm proud of the kind of parents that all my kids turned out to be. You have worked hard and got a good education, but take it from someone who didn't get past the 8th grade, book smarts aren't all that matter. On the road of life you never know what's up ahead or around the corner. It might look like a four lane super highway, but it is like a real road - there are smooth patches and there are potholes. You never know when they are coming but they'll come, and you'll have to get past them. An education is good, but sometimes life takes some good, solid common sense to get through it."

Now, if you know my grandpa, you know that this is out of his norm for granfatherly advice. He usually sticks to the bit about education vs. common sense and promotes the use of the World Book Encyclopedia and the news as his best education. I can still remember being nervous as he pulled me aside at my college graduation party and sat me down on the green couch in the parlor of my parents' house. You never knew what grandpa was going to talk to you about, or how long he'd talk

I don't know why, but his analogy of the road ahead has stuck with me. I could just see the sincerity, the hint of humility, and the honest desire to share something from his years of life with me in my budding adulthood.

It's true that we just don't know what the road ahead holds for us. Does it hold many twists, forks and curves; does it hold washed out patches and potholes that will nearly swallow you whole or pop your tire?
I like to plan (what an understatement) and so does Blake (have you seen his spreadsheets!?), but some things you just can't plan for, you just have to trust.

My grandpa trusts his common sense, and I'm thankful for the common sense that he's passed down to my parents and on to me. However, even more than common sense I trust the One who made the road, the One who wrote the book on wisdom, the One who has been there with me through the journey and the One who promises to never leave me or forsake me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 will always remind me of the word picture my grandpa painted, and the things he didn't say when he sat me down on that couch. I'm thankful that my parents filled in the blanks as I was growing up.

In the devotional, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young shares what Jesus told her about trust. It was just what I needed on the day I read it:

"Walk with me along paths of trust. The most direct route between point A and point B on your life journey, is the path of unwavering trust in Me. When your faith falters, you choose a path that meanders and takes you well out of your way. You will get to point B eventually, but will have lost precious time and energy. As soon as you realize you have wandered from your trust path, look to me and whisper "I trust you Jesus." This affirmation will help you get back on track. The farther you roam along paths of unbelief, the harder it is to remember that I am with you. Anxious thoughts branch off in all directions, taking you farther and farther from your awareness of my presence. You need to voice your trust in Me frequently. This simple act of faith will keep you walking along straight paths with Me. Trust in me with all your heart, and I will make your paths straight." - September 9th