So, What's It Like?

To be married to me?

This summer I met with a group of women to go through the book What's It Like to be Married to Me?: and Other Dangerous Questions. It was an encouraging experience. This book provided a nice outline to discuss marriage and to challenge ourselves to become better wives.

Although it wasn't quite as dangerous as I expected, reading and discussing this book with friends was a blessing. The topics, or dangerous questions, were thought provoking and helped us to think about our marriages from a different perspective. It is also very helpful that the author provides a study guide in the back of the book. My only criticism would be that some of her stories/examples are a little extreme and harder to relate to for the average wife. Other than those few exceptions, Linda Dillow does a great job in tying together scripture, personal experience, literature and examples from other women. While it was no dangerous sledgehammer to the forehead, it served as an encouraging reminder of what's important in life and in my marriage.

I thought I'd give you the dangerous questions (i.e., chapters) and some of my insights from them (where appropriate), both to share with you and to remind myself later! I had intended to do this as I went through the book, but instead it's all going in one (long) post.. sorry!

Intro: By Design, Not Default
Talks about why you married, what you expect out of marriage and what your examples of marriage were from your childhood and young adulthood. This chapter also discusses, most importantly, why should we look into ourselves and how we could change instead of looking at our husband's weaknesses (not that we ever do that.. right?). I needed this chapter to snap me out of selfishness. As I was starting this book I thought, why am I always reading marriage books and improving myself as a wife and Blake isn't reading husband books... An obvious example of why I needed to do this book study!

1. What is really important to me?
What do my choices say, what are my priorities? I found that the answers to these questions really depended on the season of life we're in. When I'm not working, I can easily make Blake a priority, however, when there are demands like two jobs or someday little kids, it's not as easy - but just as important - to make sure my marriage and husband are a priority. Jesus said it best in Matt. 22:37-39 : Love God first and your neighbor as yourself.. well, who is your closest neighbor? Your husband!

This chapter challenged us to write a purpose statement for our marriage, and also gave some great examples of what God did in women's lives who chose to put their marriage at the top of their list.

So as the book suggested I chose to adapt a scripture for my marriage purpose statement:
1 Corinthians 13:1-7 *I had to write my own for the exercise, but also love The Message version)
If I'm well read and well spoken in every area, but don't love Blake, then my words would only be white noise.
If I was as spiritually adept as Paul, and understood all of God's plans and ways, if I had faith that could move mountains, but didn't love Blake, I would be nothing.
If I worked night and day for the poor, the fatherless and the widows, if I rose at dawn and worked til all hours of the night, but if I didn't love my husband more, then I would have gained nothing. 

I will be patient with and kind to Blake
I will not be jealous of him or boastful to him or proud or rude to him .
I will not demand my own way.
I will not be irritable, and will not keep a record of when I am wronged by him. 
I will not rejoice in the injustice he experiences but will rejoice whenever the truth wins out. 

I will never give up on our marriage, I will never lose faith in God's design for our love, I will always be hopeful for the best in our lives and I will endure through every circumstance life brings us.


2. What does it feel like to be my husband?
This chapter looked at what our husbands put up with from us frequently: griping, venting and complaining. We all took the challenge of wearing a bracelet that we switched from one wrist to another each time we found ourselves complaining, nagging or venting for one week. We all noticed right away how frequently we were switching the bracelet back and fourth.

What was surprising to some was that they found themselves complaining more to their children than their husbands. What was surprising to me, was that I notice how unbelievably frequently I complained in my head about Blake, but only out loud about physical pains (i.e., headaches, sore muscles etc) or technology. I realized that I griped day and night inside, but bottled it up until one day I'd explode. I knew that I bottled things up, but I didn't realize how I added to the bottle daily, and that usually when I let the bottle go it was in the form of venting to a friend.

I learned that I need to be handing my gripes over to God, like David did in the Psalms.  It is important to me that I don't speak badly of Blake to other people, but I'd find myself getting so fed up with eight hundred little things that I'd finally have to burst. When I surrender my complaints to God, and ask him to fill the space in my heart with what is good, noble, true and virtuous, I find that I don't unload my complaints to others or on Blake.

3. Am I willing to change my attitude?
This chapter focused on being thankful and putting on an attitude of gratitude. There were some great reminders about keeping away negativity and keeping track of the things you are thankful for. The author suggested keeping a separate 'thankfulness' journal, so that on a bad day you could look through and see all that you have to be thankful for. I've been meaning to post a few more 'thankful' blog posts.

4. What will it take for me to get close to you?
This chapter discusses emotional intimacy and communication. Blake and I had some great discussions of what we think emotional intimacy is to us (in the end we decided we're not exactly sure, but we think we have it) and what our needs are. One exercise asked us to identify our husband's five biggest needs and then to ask him if we are right, knowing his needs helps me to focus on meeting them. I also asked Blake what he thought my needs were. It is interesting how perceptive he was for three of them.

This chapter also discussed how a woman's greatest need is to feel loved, and that is what God commands husbands "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church." A man's greatest need is to feel respected and so God commanded women, "wives submit to your husbands," that is, choose to respect them and help (not direct) them.

5. What is it like to make love with me?
A dangerous and scary question indeed! This chapter asked us to look at the things that rob us of our intimacy, namely: Satan, the church and the media. We were also reminded that marital intimacy is a gift from God. I'll leave it at that, but I will also say that in a close group of women, with the right motivation, this type of chapter can spark an interesting and encouraging conversation.

6. Why do I want to stay mad at you?
This chapter speaks to the power of forgiveness and gave some pretty intense life examples. I found it a little hard to relate to because the examples of forgiveness were so extreme. The women in this chapter were forgiving their husbands for much more than forgetting to replace the trashcan liner. I think that most of us came away thinking that we were very grateful that we are not in the place to have to forgive major offenses, but we were also amazed at what God can do in a marriage when forgiveness is offered. It was also a good reminder of the forgiveness we receive because of Christ, and how the enemy likes to make little wedges in our hearts, that can easily be kicked out by extending forgiveness.

7. Is it possible to grow together when things fall apart?
A really beautiful chapter about growing together during adversity. This was good to read in year three of marriage. I loved how she described seasons of marriage as a day, the sunrise (where we are), noontime, and the sunset. I also loved the insight and wisdom that she offers from scripture about how to handle adversity and crisis together with the Lord, and how no one is exempt from it. She discussed an old favorite passage: Proverbs 3:5-6 and also highlighted a passage in a new way for me:
Jeremiah 17:7-8 The Message interpretation:
    Blessed is the [woman] who trusts me, God, 
    the woman who sticks with God
    putting down roots near the rivers-
    Never a worry through the hottest of summers,
    never dropping a leaf,
    Serene and calm through droughts,
    bearing fresh fruit in every season.

8. The woman in the mirror
This final chapter summarizes all of these insights and challenges into a very encouraging couple of pages. She asks us to look in the mirror and ask, "Have you been faithful" derived from Psalms 119:30-32.
    I have chosen the faithful way... (past)
    I cling to your testimonies... (present)
    I shall run the way of your commandments, (future)
     for you will enlarge my heart.  (reward)
God knows that we are human, but he rewards us for our efforts.
This chapter also discusses the changing seasons of marriage and again, was a good reminder to treasure the moments of sunshine, in order to get through the moments of rain.
I'll leave you with this quote:

Every couple travels on a journey through the changing seasons of their marriage. 

Some seasons we skip through as they are joyous and filled with delight. 

Others we stomp through, hoping they are quickly over. 

And some we walk through on tippy toes because we long to embrace 

every moment of the tender intimate oneness.