"When are you guys going to have kids!?"

This is the story of my journey toward motherhood (we're not there yet):
We get asked this question a lot. I really don't mind, it's to be expected at this stage in our lives. My mom doesn't ask because she knows that I have gone through many phases of wanting or not wanting kids and the reasons for those phases. I also think that she trusts us to make the decision when we're ready and just doesn't feel the need to meddle. Sometimes my answer to this question is: "Maybe never."

The truth is, we did go through a phase where we seriously questioned if we should have kids instead of how many and when. We both agreed that we wanted kids when we were dating, but certainly not anytime soon. After we got married, we thought it was pretty great to have our time all to each other and we were impressed with what life with two incomes might offer. We selfishly thought that maybe this DINK (Double Income, No Kids) lifestyle would be better than all that stress and cost of raising kids in this society. At first the motivation was really just selfish. I had just finished working in the schools and was working with pediatrics right after our honeymoon, so this seemed like a nice way to satisfy my love for kids... enjoy them at work but don't bring them home.

After several months of marriage I started working in geriatrics again. Maybe it was God's hand but I had several patients in a row that never had children. It was uncanny that patient after patient was unable to have children and either adopted, took care of nieces and nephews or just lived without dependents. I realized the longevity of the decision we would make at such a young age. It's not something you can really change your mind about after a certain point. I also realized how hard it was for these elderly couples that didn't have kids or grand kids to help them make decisions or care for them. This was now a selfish reason to have kids. We weren't really getting anywhere... selfish reasons for, selfish reasons against. Self, self, self, me, me, me.

Time passed and life went on. I started to question whether it would even be a good idea to bring kids into this world, with the way things were going- our country's economy... the crazy things going on in the Middle East. Not only that but I was watching friends that had toddlers to teenagers and wasn't sure I wanted any of those issues. Ever. So I really pondered this. I love babies, but that stage is gone fast and then it's years of work and worry as you try to shape a free willed mind to love God and obey Him when so few other people are asking the same. I was pretty serious about this, but Blake thought he wanted to experience fatherhood and teaching our kids things. He thought that sounded like fun. Ya, fun for him, I thought. Still lots of work and worry for me. Also he only said this once or twice, usually he just 'joked' about how much he didn't want kids with other people. So I wasn't sure how seriously he'd been taking this or how seriously I could take him.

Time continued to go on and we were growing together and, more importantly, together toward God. My heart softened during a small group study of the book The Excellent Wife toward my role as a Biblical wife and woman. I started to long to stay home and do my duty as a wife, a feeling I did not have before. I had learned during my stint of unemployment that staying home had it's benefits, and a stay-at-home-wife lifestyle sounded great (that took care of the stay-at-home part.. now I just needed to get to -mom rather than -wife). Through this study, our marriage really blossomed too, we were really communicating now and were following a much more Biblical framework for marriage (i.e., leading husband, submissive wife), which had previously been a little unbalanced. It's amazing how working on your own behaviors, actions and motives can have positive change your spouse's behaviors, actions and motives.. without even trying. It's also amazing how much better God's plan for a healthy marriage works than your own selfish stab at it.

Time went on, we were very happy where we were at when... It finally hit me. My love of babies (I truly do LOVE babies) went into overdrive after holding a friend's newborn. I was baby CRAZY. My mommy gene was in overdrive for a baby. But... I still wasn't sure about the toddler to teenage years. I obviously wasn't going to bring a kid into this world because I wanted to enjoy 12-15 months of it's eternal life. That would just be irresponsible.

It was during this time that we started to consider foster parenting. We could try to foster only babies! Maybe older kids as we got the hang of things. This seemed to be a way to meet my baby-only desire while doing some good. In all seriousness, being a foster parent (and adoption) has always been on my heart and I thought why not now. Getting started now, would make it more likely that we'd do it in the future too. I was afraid that we'd get too comfy in our lifestyle and never take that leap. Just because we weren't ready for a lifelong parenting commitment, didn't mean that we couldn't love some kids right now. We prayed and prayed and prayed.

Through orientation (a mandatory step in the process) we discovered that there wasn't a great need for foster parents that are willing to take only one kid and only ages 0-12 months, most infants seemed to come in sibling sets, and we didn't have the room to be set up for more than one kid, or specifically one over 12 months (infants are allowed to sleep in a crib in the parents' room, so we had room for them). Also, we realized that even if we could have offered our spare bedroom to an older kid (my brother stayed with us routinely for work and the bedroom was 'his') we weren't ready to parent a kid that needed real parenting. An infant needs attention and love, but less parent know-how and experience. That is what we felt able to provide... beginner parenting only. We realized that we wanted to go through the natural stages of becoming a parent, starting with itsy-bitsy infant and learning as they grew.

THIS WAS HUGE. We really did want to be parents! Not yet, but we found ourselves wanting this parent thing in sequence, and continuing past infancy! Someday, we really did want to be parents of real children that would grow up into *gasp* toddlers and *GASP* possibly beyond!

At some point during all of this we also had a tiny pregnancy scare and realized some important things in those few days:

1. We were not, nor were we ever, going to feel fully "ready".
2. We would happily accept the challenge if this was what God was putting before us.
3. We were ridiculously unable to afford for me to stop working.
   and most importantly:
4. We never even stopped to ask our Father if we should have kids or when He might want this to happen.

That was a crazy feeling. I never thought about our assumed *right* to have or not have children as anything other than just that: our right to choose (I'm not talking pro-choice in that sense. We are firmly pro-life). Were we willing to ask God, and if so, were we willing to listen to the answer?

As it turned out, we asked, we listened, we were not pregnant nor did we feel the calling to be so.

We entered a new stage of willingness to obey if called 'early', planning on when I am thirty, preparing our finances, changing our lifestyle to fit this goal, and praying that God would lead us in all of these areas. So that now when it is time to take the leap, we will enter with faith and trust that we've done what we can do to be prepared.

Last Sunday we brought it up again and reconfirmed our thoughts on this timeline. We talked excitedly, looking forward to the day when we might begin that journey. We also recalculated the spreadsheet to make sure we were on track for our 'plan' (thanks, Blake!). We feel convicted that in the meantime it is our responsibility to do what we can to prepare so that I can be a stay-at-home-momma. If, in fact, a momma is what God calls me to be.

It is certainly my heart's desire (now), to be a momma, but I am also willing to consider that God may have a plan for us other than the 'settle down, buy a house and have kids' plan. Just because it's what I want (now), doesn't mean that I'm closing my mind to the possibility that it may not be what God wants. He may be leading us to financial freedom in order to send us to the mission field. Whatever it is, I have given up my life in exchange for the one He has for me, and I will follow wherever He leads us... down the path of motherhood or not.

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That is my journey toward motherhood, thus far.

(To be continued...)

The next installment: Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock