An overreaction for sure, but my gut reaction nonetheless.
I just pulled out some old calenders because I'm a little disturbed by my poor memory of the past 4-6 years and wanted to see if I could refresh them with my usually detailed calendars. Well, I could only find 2007-2008 and 2008-2009 (academic style) from when I worked in the schools. Not really what I was looking for, but I pulled them out anyway.
I was flipping through the pages to see what personal notes I might find to help jog my memory. Instead I saw appointment after appointment and note after note about IEPs due, parent meetings, staff meetings and team meetings. The memories came flooding back. The initials next to each entry brought back the stresses and the joys of each child and/or family, the frustration with colleagues, the overwhelmed and overzealous parents, and the stress of too much to do, not enough time to do it in.
My head began to swim, my throat was getting tight, my stomach started to turn, questions and doubt poured through my head. Panic overwhelmed me.
I snapped the calendar shut and took a few deep breaths.
"This is silly," I thought, "I am overreacting. It's not that bad." I don't start my new job for 41 more days. That's just under six weeks away. I have a trip to Australia between now and then. That's 20 more work days at my current job. The job will only last 180+/- school days. Only 255 more days until spring break (I obviously pulled out my countdown app at this point). Just a note: I know this sounds crazy, it's just a job and hundreds of people do it every year. I even enjoyed it at first, and I'm sure I might enjoy it again.
This little dose of reality helped bring me back to Earth. More importantly than those facts and numbers are these facts. I serve a God that is bigger than my panic/fear/worry. I know that God has so clearly been the One that provided this new job for me and I give Him the glory for that. I know that I can trust Him to sustain me through anything I encounter, in life or in work.
I so wish that I could say that my visceral reaction in this situation was immediate trust. Wasn't it just this morning that I was reminding myself to abide in His love and His Spirit!? I know these things so well in my head... why can't I keep them in my heart?
I was thinking earlier today about how much of a failure I feel like when it comes to application of my faith. Sure I acquire head knowledge but does it show in my daily life? Why does it seem like I am learning the same lessons over and over again. How frustrated I felt this morning when I recount my failures. I can see growth when I look back over the long-term, but I want it faster!
I am again (yes AGAIN) reminded of lessons in patience and perseverance, lessons of trusting and abiding, lessons of living a meek and quiet life and lessons of God's forgiveness and lack of condemnation. Really, the lessons of everything. I feel like I could read the entire Bible every morning and I'd still screw up by noon.
It occurred to me that I am harder on myself in this area than I am in any other. I realized that if I were reviewing my failures in bread baking, crocheting, relationships or even work; I would not be nearly so hard on myself. Change takes time, growth takes time. Yet, this is also something I know in my head, but can't get it to sink into my heart.
I think that one day, I will look back on this and see how far I've come. Until then, I'll try not to get annoyed by my repeated lessons. Hope you will to ;)
Oh boy, this sounds familiar! I am hard on myself too, especially in the area of faith. I think maybe because it is a core part of who I am and my identity and so it really matters to me that I am not a failure.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking the other day about re-learning lessons. I think though sometimes, it is just like therapy...you may still be working on the same long term goal but you are actually three or four short term goals down the list. We'll never fully arrive in our Christian walk until we get to Heaven, so I suppose I will find myself learning these lessons until I die...
Sorry, that was supposed to be encouraging! :)
I agree with what Julie said... and I want to tell you CONGRATS on getting the job (if I haven't already) and that you will be great. After all, it is a whole different district and will probably have its own set of challenges but you will do great and like you said, God isn't going to give you something you can't handle.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I don't think I've learned a single lesson that has stuck 100% of the time. :) I have to constantly relearn things, so much so that I'd start thinking I was a little slow despite what people keep telling me :) I'm going to assume it's part of being human and God has some reason for not making us a little quicker to get the point...
-Lisa
Thanks for the empathy and encouragement ladies! It's good to know I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteJulie – you are right; we are not complete until we are in heaven. It is just so hard sometimes to accept that! I too think that I take it so hard because it is so important to me. I like your therapy goal analogy!
Lisa – thank you! You are very correct; it is a different district and will a different experience with its own challenges and joys. I need to keep that in mind. Optimism isn’t my strength, still learning that lesson ;)