Tick Tock, Tick Tock

What's that sound? Oh, it's just my biological clock ticking.

I thought I'd give you a little update on the journey to motherhood. Not that you asked, and NOT that I'm pregnant (just to clarify again, I said, NOT PREGNANT) but more so to satisfy my need to obsess over it a little more.

I will say that booking a trip that is about eight months from now is helping to ebb the spontaneous urge of forgoing the plan. The trip gives me some motivation and reward for sticking to the plan, since it wouldn't be very fun to be either a) +/- 8 months pregnant on a transcontinental flight (I don't think that you're even supposed to fly by then?), b) pregnant and on vacation in a foreign country (okay I can think of worse things to be doing while pregnant.. but still it doesn't seem like a good idea), or c) cancel a trip with minimal refunds because you are pregnant/giving birth/popping any minute. I'll take option d) stick to the plan and don't get pregnant until August 2013 (or at least not until after November 2012).

I know this sounds so selfish, like oh we want to travel before having kids. And I know that traveling seems contraindicated with financial freedom. However, we really feel that through constant faithful prayer, it just isn't time yet. In addition, we've worked travel into the financial freedom plan and feel that it is worth it.

So here's the obsessive part.

Blake and I talk about baby names at least once a week. Last week he sent me a text of some new names in case we have more than one girl (yikes!) because he was just browsing some names at work (!?). We have a theme to our name picks, but it isn't the same first letter and that's all we're saying. Yes, we are those annoying people that won't reveal our baby name(s) until s/he is born. We will find out the sex, but aren't sure when or how and who we'll tell.

Every time either of us are around a baby - which happens at least once a week at Bible study - we come away with a sigh and a weak resolution to stick to the plan. Sometimes we like to play through the scenario of 'what if' we didn't stick to the plan. What if we just started trying this year, what if we both worked five days a week at our second jobs, what if we... oh, we'll be so much better off if we just stick to that plan.

Speaking of the plan, I can give you the plan timeline in days or months. I seem to review all the alternative dates and possible timelines outside of the plan at least weekly, in case the plan gets tossed out (unlikely.. but you know, just in case). The more I try to work in an earlier ending to the plan (i.e., start trying sooner than the plan dictates), the more I realize why we set the plan up how it is. *sigh* We should just stick to the plan.

We are resolved to stay the course, realizing that it is our plan and praying that if God has other plans.. He'll align our hearts with His and let us know. We may not actually stick to the original plan, but until we are prompted to do otherwise, it is The Plan.

It's interesting how the waiting faithfully is actually helping in many areas of life. Knowing that there is an end to overworking ourselves, helps bring joy to the work. There's a sense of purpose and appreciation for these last years/months of a full-time (paid) career and the chance to use my time wisely. I'm more purposeful in my relationships and take the opportunity to speak words of faith and love to people when I might not have before. I am more purposeful with my work. I take the time to learn from as many opportunities as I can, and have a new desire to go back and really understand some content areas or treatment approaches that I have previously been satisfied with only a rudimentary understanding of until now. I am more purposeful in my household duties. If I think I want to do this full time and add kids to it.. shouldn't I take a little more pride in my system of household management now (or rather shouldn't I develop a system now)?

I'm surprised by how God is using this time. I shouldn't be surprised at all, these days are just as precious as the days that we are looking forward to. I can see that God is using them to prepare us for something in the future, and to make these days count. It never ceases to amaze me what God can do when you set your heart on honoring His. What a great reminder of the blessings that come when you try to surrender your life over and trust Him to replace it.

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The next installment: The Baby Plan: Remix

Mmm... Nutella

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Nutella? It's chocolatey hazelnutty goodness.

My brother bought us some Valentine's day cookies, and I had to do a little rearranging to make the calories really worth it. 

I wish the bakeries here had Nutella Day like the pasticceria in Venice... well, I suppose my waistline is thankful that they don't. 

Mmm... Nutella. Happy Valentine's Day!

Update

About eight months ago, I made a list to try to organize my head. I've thought about that list a few times, but until today I've been to afraid of the failure to look back at it.

However, in the name of procrastination from mundane housework, I'm willing to face my fear of failure and see how I've fared on my list.


Goals/Projects (Not in any particular order, written June 17, 2011)

1. get up earlier (In-progress. Off and on I've accomplished this, mostly out of necessity for work)
2. go to bed earlier (Met. I've definitely gotten better about this, save the occasional late weekend night)
3. have longer quiet times everyday (In-progress. Still working on this, always working on this)
4. have more purposeful prayer times everyday (see above)
5. finish the three four five innumerable crochet projects I've started: bath mitts, sweaters, slippers, hats, socks etc. (Partially Met. Of those listed, I finished the bath mitts, several hats, and frogged the socks so I could knit them. Sweaters are still in progress, as are about two hats and a blanket)
6. finish the two knitting projects I've started: lace scarf, hat (MET and Exceeded! Started/finished a pair of socks and started another pair of socks and a couple of head wraps. I have almost no time for knitting/crocheting these days so it's a good thing I set this goal low).
7. start the millions of knitting and crochet projects I have queued. (In-Progress. I've started a few of them!)
8. make more time for reading (Met! YES! I've definitely done this!)
9. join a book club (Met and exceeded. Not only joined, but started a book club blog. It's been really fun. You can check it out here)
10. start using a weekly menu plan (Unmet. Near fail, I did this for three weeks but haven't managed to do it since)
11. grocery shop once a week (In-progress. We've been a little better about this in general. Also see above)
12. use up produce before it goes bad (Met. I have been better about this, specifically during the three weeks, but even after, we've been better about using up veggies, or not buying them)
13. make my own bread every week (Fail Not Met. HA! This lasted about 2 weeks several months ago. I still have hopes for this though!)
14. grind my own flour for said bread (Partially Met. I do grind my own flour for most things, even if I'm not making bread)
15. make as many things homemade as possible (In-Progress. I still try to do this, but only with certain things, since I'm not home very much)
16. maintain a sourdough starter for longer than one month (Partially Met, On hold.. I did maintain it for longer than a month, but just barely. When we went on vacation.. it died.)
17. take better pictures (In-progress. I've started to do this, at least within the limits of my current camera's manual settings and capacities. I've learned tons about light and shutter speed and aperture and ISO and still have tons to learn. Someday I'll get a DSLR and will really get to work on this goal)
18. stay on top of my garden (Discontinued. eh.. our garden didn't really give us much to stay on top of, but Blake was primarily in charge of keeping it watered, pruned, picked etc.)
19. go to the gym 3x/week (Unmet. Once a week max.)
20. be content with my job (Partially Met. Well, I have added a job and am content with it. I will be happy to be done with it when I can though. I am certainly more content with the job I wrote this about. It's really not meant to be a full time job, so doing it part time takes away undo pressure and makes it much more pleasant).
21. be a better friend (In-progress. Negotiable. I've made efforts though)
22. call my mom more (In-progress. I've made an effort to try to text/call her more and I feel like we keep in touch better, although still not as much as I think she'd like)
23. blog consistently (Variable progress. Weeeell, I've had my moments.. but lately this has not been the case.)
24. be an effective witness for Christ (In-progress. I have made concerted efforts to be more bold in this and to think about how my actions/words affect my witness.)
25. do all things without complaining or arguing (Fail In-progress. In some areas I've gotten better. On a day-to-day basis, minimal change.)
26. use my time wisely (In-progress. Having less time certainly makes me use what little time I have more wisely, more often.)
27. patiently endure until we are financially ready to _____ (insert long-term goal here). (Patiently... hmm. In-progress.)
28. plan the activities for our trip to Australia (Met)
29. listen to the every sermon/Bible study recorded from our pastor (Unmet. I've been absorbed by audio books and rekindled (no pun intended) my love for reading.)

Thankful

Here's the short list of the things I'm thankful for today:

• Every second of additional daylight we get each day.
• A gorgeous sunset on my way down to Pendleton.
• Spring-like weather in January.
• Realizing that I forgot my purse in Pendleton only ten minutes outside of town, instead of the hour and fifteen minutes it could have been.
• The Almond Roca stash I keep in my desk for nights such as this.
• My sweet husband greeting my huff and grump with a smile and a kiss.
• Much needed but unexpected overload help at work.
• Oregon State laws that make it illegal to pump my own gas.
• Seat warmers in my car.
• Brain candy books read to me from my Kindle while I drive (currently reading Catching Fire, book two of The Hunger Games Trillogy). 

Blake Turns 30

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

...

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life

Raise a little family and hang out with my wife

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years

In my next thirty years

- Tim McGraw

It was a great party and a fun weekend. We grilled another giant (18 lb) prime rib on Blake's step-dad's Traeger. If you've never had a piece of meat that has been cooked on one of these grills, you're missing out! Our last prime rib was good, but we felt it had room for improvement. And improve we did. This one was exceptional! 

There was so much food and so many friends and family. It was a great way to celebrate Blake's past and present and to look forward to our future. 

I took a few more pictures but the lighting wasn't great and I was too busy playing co-hostess to make sure I composed good shots. Here are a few snapshots anyway:

Before the party, prepping the beast.

The treatment this time was slivers of garlic
and rosemary spears poked down under the fat.
Plus a salt, pepper, garlic and olive oil rub.

Mr. Party himself.

The hat is a family tradition (my family).
It is worn for major milestone birthdays.

Most people wear the hat for a picture. Blake rocked it all night. 

The obligatory cake picture.

My gift to Blake (with help from Jason Saura)
A 30 year scotch, aged to perfection, just like him.
It will probably last him through his next 30 years.

My Love,

Blake. Today you are 30. Today you enter the decade that will hopefully bring us children, maybe a house, very likely life on a single income and certainly a million unforeseen obstacles. Today I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible.

I can't believe I married that little red-headed boy that I met at the fair 17 years ago. You were so cute then, but you are so handsome now. What a man you've turned into!

I doubt you'll ever read this letter, but I'll write it anyway. I want to put in writing how much I appreciate you. You never complain, do you realize that? It's as if your calm, easy nature was designed to balance me out. You are such a provider.

Oh, how I love you. How often I thank our God for you and the blessing you are to me. How many ways you surprise me with your thoughtfulness and sincerity. How little these words can do to express what my heart feels for you. How sweet you are, dear husband.

What a joy it is to spend my life with you. What a joy it is to be lead by you and to be your helpmate. What a joy it is to grow in the Lord together. What a joy to be on this journey with you. What a joy you are.

Happy birthday, my love.

Dining the Daniel Way

Blake and I just finished a three-week experience called The Daniel Fast.

It was many things including delicious! Here are the basic principles taken from this website:

There are two anchoring scriptures for the Daniel Fast. In Daniel 1 (Daniel 1:12, 1:16) the Prophet ate only vegetables (that would have included fruits) and drank only water. So from these scriptures we get two of the guidelines for the fast:

1. Only fruits and vegetables

2. Only water for a beverage

Then in Daniel 10:2-3, we read that the Prophet ate no meat nor any precious breads or foods and he drank no wine for 21 days. So from this scripture, we get a third guideline:

3. No sweeteners and no breads

Another important guideline is drawn from Jewish fasting principles, where no leaven is used during the fast. So that's why yeast, baking powder and the like are not allowed on the Daniel Fast.

Finally, with all the above puzzle pieces, we conclude that no artificial or processed foods nor any chemicals are allowed on the Daniel Fast.

The hardest part was the first three or four days. Day one was pretty easy but days two, three and four came with serious headaches that couldn't be eased. After that it was just a matter of discipline.

I was amazed by how many delicious vegan, -sweeteners, -leavening recipes there are out there. Most of them from the various Daniel Fast websites, and a few I had stored from my old vegan days (months really).

Blake and I were both amazed by how full we would get before cleaning our plates, this food was filling. Unlike other diets, I really didn't feel deprived or starved. I did miss coffee, especially when I met an old friend for coffee and had a steaming mug of hot water. The worst was probably making an Inside-out German Chocolate cake for a birthday at Bible study. It killed me to serve something to friends and not know that it tasted okay.. what if it was horrible and they were just too nice to tell me!?

The Daniel Fast is about more than food though. It's about spiritual food too. What makes this a fast and not just a diet is the heart behind the sacrifice. It's about setting yourself apart and seeking God. It's about refocusing your life and finding the right answers.

Here are some of the things that I took away from the Daniel Fast:

• I am a better person when I spend time with God each day.
• I too quickly turn to worldly comforts like lattes, dessert and giant bowls of creamy mac and cheese instead of the Comforter who knows me best. 
• I really don't need any of those things, I really only need my Creator.
• Going without certain foods by choice is a privilege and a blessing. Millions of people around the world don't have this choice.
• Hot water with a slice of lemon is actually quite fantastic. 
• So many of my habits are empty habits. 
• I lost a few pounds (6.75 if we're counting) and I now appreciate the body that I loathed  before I gained those 6.75 lbs. Funny how a little perspective can change things.
• When things are tough and miserable, I'll stick it out a few days more.. maybe the 'headache' only comes at the beginning. 
• I actually can plan a weeks worth of meals, shop once on the weekend and cook dinner most nights - while working two jobs. Largely by God's grace and some help from the hubs, but still. I didn't think it could be done.
• I can be much more disciplined if I know that there is an end point.
• Life is so short, we only have a little time to make a difference that will last forever. I have all eternity to feast and be happy, but only this little lifetime to produce good fruit. 

It was a really great experience and even better to share it with Blake. I think that this might be an annual or biannual practice in our house.

Getting Up

It's a process.

It starts an hour before I have to actually get up. A half hour at a minimum. It takes several alarms and many repeats of snooze on each one. On most weekdays I wake up to the radio and sleep lightly listen to the Bible studies that come on at 6:00 and 6:30. Really, the 6:00 study is just intertwined into my dreams, but the 6:30 study (our church's radio program) sinks into my consciousness much more. By the time it is over, I'm actually awake enough to have reasonable decision making skills.

After that it's a battle.

I start weighing out my schedule and bargaining with myself about how early I really need to go into work. I pull my Bible off my night stand and tell myself that I'll be just fine reading in bed, really, I'm awake now (and sometimes that works). After I read, I always tell myself that I'll just lay here and talk to God until my last and final alarm (with snooze) goes off. The time frames vary, depending on the bargained work time.

Ultimately, there is a point where I can't lay there and hit snooze anymore and finally, I agree with myself that I need to get out of bed, I'm usually five to ten minutes late because of this extra coaxing time it takes to make me throw the covers back.

I pull my feet from the warm cozy covers and thrust them toward the hard, cold floor (okay, we have carpet.. but still, it's a bitter moment). And it begins.

The day has started. From that point on, most days, I feel like my single goal is just to make it back to that cozy bed and tuck my feet back in, preferably right next to my always warm husband.

The best reward for getting up, is that moment when you crawl back in bed at the end of the day. All of the day's struggle melts away and I am reminded of how blessed I am, how loved I am and how much I love the man laying next to me.

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I know there is more meaning in life than sleeping. And in truth there really is much more that goes on between dragging myself out of bed and crawling back in it. It just doesn't always seem that way.

It makes me feel horribly irresponsible and lazy, to acknowledge how much I impact my life because I don't get out of bed in the morning. I'm always late. Consistently five minutes late. To everything. Couldn't I just get up five minutes earlier, you ask. If only it were that easy.

This has been a life-long struggle (just ask my mom). I don't know why it's such a struggle, but I know that every attempt to be better about it has been in vain. I know how much better I'd feel and be if I gave myself extra time. Time to workout, time to read and have a cup of coffee, time to pray more in depth for the long list of people on my heart.... time to get ready and be on time for work (there's a thought).

This verse in Proverbs rings in my ears every morning: "As a door swings back and forth on its hinges, so the lazy person turns over in bed" (Proverbs 26:14).

I will say that it has gotten a little bit easier as I get older.. and I hope that the trend continues. But for now, it is my daily struggle and source of self loathing.

What's Love Got to Do with It

Those of us that are married know that sometimes we just do things because we love someone. I'd imagine this is the same with your children. It's not a duty or a begrudging thing, it's that you love them so much, you want them to be happy... so you do this thing/chore/hobby etc that makes them smile in that way that pays you back ten times over.

The list of things I do for Blake 'just because I love him' feels pretty short, he's a pretty easy going guy with only a few hobbies and quirks that we don't both enjoy independently. The longer we're married the more we just enjoy the same things and I forget that I used to do it just because I love him. I don't know for sure how long Blake's list is of things he does 'just because he loves me' (Although I'm pretty sure that watching British period piece films and miniseries falls into that category). What I do know is how loved I feel because of it. There's nothing like the quiet reassurance that he knows me inside out and loves me in spite of it.

It makes me think about the things that I do (or don't do, rather) out of love for others. It makes me think about how I generally only do those things that make me feel comfortable, happy or entertained etc. Even when it comes to doing the things that God asks us to do... do I do them out of duty, or just because I love Him.

God doesn't really ask all that much of us. Jesus said, "If you love me, obey my commandments" (John 14:15) and John said, "Now by this we know that we love Him, if we keep His commandments" (1 John 2:3 NKJV). He commands us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. I've said this before, but I'll say it again. If I did those two things more fully... boy the rest would be easier.

I should do these things because it's been commanded to me, but shouldn't I also do them purely out of love and gratefulness to my Father? Because He delights in me and I delight in Him? How selfish I am.

It's the little things like getting out of bed in the morning, praying for people, stopping to give a compliment or a listening ear. Sometimes I do them (sometimes I do not), sometimes out of duty, and on some (better) days, I do them purely because I feel so loved by my Savior and the life He has given me, that I want to share it.

1 John 4:19 (NLT),  says it well: "We love each other because He loved us first."

I know that I have days where just holding back my tongue is loving my neighbor - I am, after all, a work in progress. But there are also days where I feel abundantly loved by a gracious and compassionate God and let's hope I listen and follow, just because I love Him.

Memorial Stone

You know how the Israelites set up stones as a memorial after crossing the Jordan River into the Promise Land (Joshua 4:1-9)? This idea of memorial stones has become a kind of 'thing' now with Christians. A way to talk about times of their life that they will always remember and be able to look at to remind them where they've come and why they are doing what they're doing.

I feel like this time of working (and working and working) will be a memorial stone. It's hard for me to talk about it without complaining, which I try not to do (in writing, on the internet). So thinking of it as a memorial stone helps me be more positive.

I'll refer to my favorite commentary writer (commentarian?), David Guzik, as he discusses the Israelites and their situation surrounding their memorial stones:

Israel was now on the other side of the Jordan - in the Promised Land. But what is life in the Promised Land like? Is it one glorious vacation time after another? No; for Israel it was a place of battle, but most of all, it was a place of trust - they knew they had to trust God with every thing they had, because the challenges only got bigger in the Promised Land - but so did the blessings.

I loved this. (If you remember, God's Country and God's Country Revisited the idea of the Promise Land plays a part in my recent testimony).

We feel like this is exactly where God wants us, for now, and we both feel that, for now, working like crazy is how God is providing for us... but it's a struggle! Like the Israelites, God didn't bring us to the place He wants us for a vacation. He brought us here to live life.. messy, busy, relational life! A life that teaches us to trust in Him for guidance, provision and strength.

I am learning big life lesson right now about dying to self and laying down my ideas for God's ideas. I'm learning to put others first and to be motivated to love others because of the love I have received. These are things that I'm sure I'll need to know when the next stage of life comes along.

I just want to remember this feeling later. When I get to stay at home with my little babies (in 28 or more months), I want to remember how I got there.
When I get tired of doing load of laundry after load of laundry and never leaving the house, I want to remember that I asked for that!
When I start complaining about needing more in my life than housewife and mom, I want to remember that I worked my buns off to be able to afford to have those titles alone.

I want to remember how far God has brought us and how much I look forward to the next set of (even bigger) challenges the Promise Land brings. So this is part of my memorial stone, my reminder of where we've come and the One who shows us where we are going.