Not So One-of-A-Kind

I'm sitting in the airport terminal and I see us everywhere. There's an SLP over there. There's another one and another. Oh, there's an old college professor, she hasn't changed a bit (Dr. Z if you went to WWU). There are a few more over there. Oh boy. I start to shrink back in my seat and try to hide behind my book.

Now I am waiting for my luggage in San Diego, I see more of us than I can keep track of. Everyone looks strangely familiar. Some I know from some past life, but I can't quite place which life and how long ago it was. Do I say hi, or do I keep hiding? It goes on as I'm waiting for my shuttle. I see throngs of us crossing at crosswalks, waiting for taxis, getting on busses. There are so many of us that now everyone looks suspiciously like an SLP.

There's no denying that you can pick us out of a crowd. I can remember the first time it hit me. I was driving with a friend to a seminar and we were dreadfully lost. We turned in the direction we thought we should be going and drove a few blocks. We both knew it the moment we saw the string of (mostly) women crossing the street - we were close - those are definitely SLPs. I don't know why we knew, they looked like perfectly normal women who wouldn't stick out to anyone else, I'm sure. Maybe that was it though. They were a little too perfectly normal  All together in one group, they were all just too organized and prepared looking.

As I started to cringe at the thought of being in a giant, enormous, arguably the largest, group of us in one place at one time... I wondered. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel as though I have to be different or as though I don't really look as obvious to them as they all do to me? Why don't I embrace the masses of people that chose the same profession as me, know what I go through day-to-day, understand my professional triumphs and sorrows and know things I'd like to know or want to know the things I want to know.

Why does this spark an insecurity in me?

It's not that I think I'm the best or worst SLP. It's not that I think I do or don't belong. There's just something about belonginig to a group of strong, empowered individuals that scares me off.

I think that it comes from always being the only one of me. I'm not competitive or overly relational because, generally, there's no one to compete with or relate to. Usually, I'm the only SLP available, the only one in the building or the only one willing to drive that far. It seems like, aside from my time in outpatient peds, I have always been the sole SLP in my work environment. Sure in the schools we have monthly meetings, but that's not the same as sharing an office with someone. It's been a rare treat to work with colleagues in my own profession on a daily basis. Usually PTs and OTs are my work companions. I share the stresses and joys of our setting with people that get therapy, just maybe not speech therapy.

A person gets used to this. Eventually you have to embrace the responsibility of being the only one who can make the decision and move forward with confidence that you've prepared for this. I think this is the reason for my feelings about masses of SLPs, I start to question myself. I realize my confidence was out of necessity and wonder if I'll discover that I've been way off base.

It's such a good thing to be challenged with new ideas and ways of thinking, to be checked against the standard on a routine basis... It's just that it's a little intimidating to think about that many of us out there, checking eachother and being checked. Some of us with more passion and dedication than I can muster. That many of us out there all doing the same thing, just a little differently, ready to be challenged and challenge others.

It's not so bad to be not so one-of-a-kind after all. It's not so lonely either.