Mommahood Thoughts Part 2

I had anticipated getting one of these posts done at six months too.. and that really sums up my personal aspirations now that I'm mom. Great intentions but....

Oh sorry, I didn't finish that sentence. Ya, I don't finish a lot of things :).

Busy Doing What. I don't know what we do all day sometimes, but I know that most days I consider it a job well done if I've got dinner, dishes and some laundry done, in addition to snuggles, naps (usually just for her) ;) and some kind of learning (which hopefully means reading a book or two and often includes sitting by me while I make dinner).

Looking Forward, Looking Back, Loving Now. It's a constant balancing act with my emotions. I love, love, love everyday life, every new thing, every old thing, every everything is cute (okay, I'm sure there are some unsavory moments in there too). My point is I love the right now. I also look forward to the next things like talking, tea parties and dress up etc. I look at her sometimes and think about all her potential. When she's babbling in the car seat I think about how soon she'll be telling stories and making up songs back there. I also long to capture and enjoy the now moments because they pass so quickly. I probably waste some of the right now moments by trying too hard to make a memory for later. Sometimes I think, what did I do with her and my time 'back when she was little', but it doesn't take long to remember the naps together, the big girl baths and the everyday moments with her by my side. I wax nostalgic about how little she was and how soundly she slept and how cute such and such outfit was etc. I find I'm constantly moving between missing the littler, loving the moment and looking forward to the future. I try not to dwell on how big she's getting or how much I miss the early months or how fast time is going etc. I catch myself saying, I can't wait until she _____ and on the next breath I tell her I'll wait, take her time, you're growing so fast. I remind myself, the point is to grow her up into an adult and enjoy it along the way.

Tired. I wasn't as tired as I expected with a newborn, and then she was a great sleeper... until she wasn't so great. I don't think it was even the interrupted sleep that was effecting me. It's more that I don't get quality sleep most nights. I think I'm going to chalk this up to nutritional deficiency. There were/are so many days I don't eat enough and yet I'm producing enough milk to grow her from 7 lbs to 20 and counting. I think that my fatigue had to do with depletion. I feel like I could put out a public service announcement on the amazing benefits of absorbable magnesium. Since I've been getting more of that (through my skin) I've slept so much better and wake up more rested. All that to say, I finally feel like I can tackle one more thing, run an errand or two and maybe even make that coffee date I'd been talking about. Although I'm a homebody by nature and I don't mind spending six days in a row at home, I felt like I should be able to have it together enough to do play dates, make a friend dinner or not feel exhausted at the thought of grocery shopping. Between better sleep and longer naps, I'm finally feeling a little more productive.

SLEEP. Now I'm talking about her sleep. I could and probably will write an entire post about sleep but for now I'll say that I had no idea that sleep would be the hardest thing about parenting in the first year (so far). I was partly surprised because I expected to have frequent night wakings through the first full year but then she slept through the night for the first 4-5 months and then she stopped. Besides night sleep there's naps. Both sleep situations provide ample opportunity to over-think and wonder what should be done differently, what worked and how I'm screwing her up forever. Swaddle, sleep prop, noise, no noise, movement, no movement, stand on head etc. All the possibilities and variables that in the end... really seem to change nothing. Anyway. I was surprised at how much thought I've put into sleep so far.

Working for a Paycheck. It was just before she was six months that I took a call to fill in at a skilled nursing facility that I used to work at and since then I've worked off and on. At most I worked 4 days straight and at the least I've worked only two hours to help with overload. For awhile it was once or twice a week and lately it's been about every other week. It's been great and (guilt) I don't miss her as much as I thought. Sometimes that's because she comes with me and my trustworthy boss watches her at work (I think that's only been three times). The other times she's either been home with Blake or (most often) with our friends/neighbors. She loves our neighbors and their four daughters (and kind of their son) so it helps that I know she's having a blast. I love seeing her when I come home, but I was surprised that I could actually concentrate on work and not think just of her. However, the guilt that comes when I hear she didn't take a nap, didn't eat, etc. I feel so badly when her routine is screwed up which effects her in different ways. If I hadn't been selfish and worked then she'd wouldn't have had to pay the (albeit small) price. I was also surprised at how quickly that part of my brain turned back on and it was fun to remember that I used to be good at something else ;). I recognized that I'll only be able to get away with this for a few years before I'll have to check my knowledge and skills to make sure I'm still current on things (because you can't actually do continuing ed in every area). Oh, and the paycheck.. ya... man do I miss that! Not enough to give up my SAHM job, but it is nice!

Behind. Always Behind. I'm definitely one of those moms who embraces the idea that they're only little for a little while so the dishes can wait (although dishes usually do get done, sometimes thanks to Blake's help). That means dusting waits, toilets wait, the projects wait and (as you've noticed) the blog waits. If I work more than once in a week or if we're gone for a weekend (or longer) or if we're just really busy it takes me three times as long to catch back up (case in point: my suitcase from a week long visit to grandparents took me two weeks to unpack.). I used to stay up late and get caught up, but when I got more and more tired I had to start going to sleep with Emerson and Blake. Now, I'm just behind. Maybe with the trend of longer naps I'll eventually get caught up. Just in time to have another baby probably. Kidding. That's not on the horizon yet.

Clothes. It's no surprise that I get attached to her clothes. It isn't very rational but nonetheless I do. I'm kind of a nerd about them too. Certain outfits that I love I line dry, so they won't shrink and might fit longer. I'm super sensitive to scents so I only use homemade detergent etc. I am surprised that I get attached to her pajamas. I'm not one of those people that ever really had an obsession with footie pajamas. I actually like non-footie pajamas better on her because her feet sweat so much. I'm a little picky about all cotton pj's because of that. There are a few pjs that I always gravitate to and some that I shy away from but when I'm packaging her clothes I always longingly nuzzle the pajamas in addition to a few other favorites.

Diapers. I still love cloth diapers. It's interesting that before introducing solids her poop started to change texture and smell as her teeth emerged. It didn't even take solids before I started spraying out her diapers. She also started pooping less often, even before solids, so that makes diaper changing easier anyway. I also have favorite diapers and others that I just use just because I have to. I don't mind folding and stuffing diapers, but (see the note on being behind) I don't always get them done before we slowly use them and wash them. I.e., sometimes the laundry basket becomes the diaper basket but I love it when I make time to get them all stuffed and put away. I still wish I had more white diapers, but I've come to appreciate a few of the colored ones too.

Toys. I've said before that the best toys aren't toys at all. I've started using a two basket toy system (loosely) where I keep half of her toys in each and only use one basket for several weeks. Otherwise she gets used to all of them and wants none of them. I hardly ever pack toys for outings anymore because she just chucks them as soon as something (a non-toy usually) comes along. She's just as happy (or happier) with a chapstick tube, purse strap or my keys as she is with any of her toys. I'm really hoping she doesn't get a ton of toys for her birthday because she burns through them so fast, they add up quickly and really there's enough learning to be had from life that we don't need toys to teach her things. There are days that she doesn't play with a single toy. That said, we do have some favorites and I'm a fan of classic toys that can grow with her and I know that she'll be more interested in toys later as she plays with them differently.
Another frustrating aspect of toys is that so many of them are plastic, under the guise of being 'safer' but I hate that everything think of giving babies is always plastic. We have some great wood toys.. but they're usually painted with who knows what. While she's in the chew/suck/chuck stage I don't give her some of even the wood toys, but I know she'll enjoy them later when she can actually build a block tower instead of chew on a block etc.

A current favorite. She loves pulling herself up and walking around it.

Books. As much as I think toys are hit or miss... I think you can't have enough books. We've been reading together since before she could see that far (although I confess, I'm not as consistent as I'd like to be). We don't have specific routines other than we read her Bible before bedtime. I sometimes wonder what she really got out of books when she was so little, and even what she gets out of them now when she hardly sits still long enough to get through three pages. Yet, I persist. And I always will. Whether it seems like she's getting any more out of them than just me talking to her, I know they're important and truly it's just as much about my enjoyment of the process as it is her enrichment. She is finally getting more interested in books in general (as opposed to the few favorites she's had) and she definitely pays more attention to the connection between words I'm saying and where I'm pointing. She just started really getting a kick out of hearing animal noises and she really loves books that have cut outs for her to play with or turn pages from.

Instead of just pulling them out of the basket, she also looks at them for a bit now. Sorry for the phone picture.

Well there you have it. Some mammahood updates. Overall, I'm so overwhelmed by how much I love and cherish her. I'm so thankful for every day that we get to hang out together and I'm so blessed by her sweet smile and happy disposition. This truly is my favorite job yet.