Pure Joy

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.       

James 1:2-4 NIV

What a concept. Not only does it say when you face trials (not if ) it says that you are to consider it an occasion for joy!

I'm thankful that this says "trials of many kinds" and not: "really serious trials only." Sometimes life brings major trials and this is definitely a time to find our joy in Jesus and carry on. Yet, life can also bring little trials. Probably not considered a trial in some minds, but when it causes you to either stress out or learn to lean on Jesus.. I think it can be called a trial. I'm going through said type of trial. It's not a huge major trial like an illness of a family member, personal illness or a long separation from a spouse, those are major trials.

Life is bringing stressors that could either drive me inward- toward self dependence or upward - toward greater dependence on God and His leading. These stressors are minor things like: finances, timelines, housing options, automobile repairs and replacements. Yet, when all thrown together it makes for instability.

After some time praying yesterday, trying to discern what God's will is for a few situations in life I was reminded of the passage above in James. God was reminding me that the physical outcome of these decision aren't the only way my life is impacted. He reminded me that I'm also being stretched and grown. "The testing of your faith develops perseverance." This is hard because it's testing my faith, but in the end, I'll be better off for having gone through this process with the Lord and with my husband. We're on our way toward being made more mature and complete in Christ. We'll be better servants, spouses and parents by working through these life changes and learning to live in faith.

After reading James, I looked those passages up in my favorite commentary, by David Guzik. I liked what he had to say about the topic:

i. Patience/Perseverance is the ancient Greek word hupomone. This word does not describe a passive waiting, but an active endurance. It isn’t so much the quality that helps you sit quietly in the doctor’s waiting room as it is the quality that helps you finish a marathon.

ii. The ancient Greek word hupomone comes from hupo (under) and meno (to stay, abide, remain). At its root, it means to remain under. It has the picture of someone under a heavy load and resolutely staying there instead of trying to escape. ... The Greek commentator Oesterley said this word patience describes “the frame of mind which endures.”
...
c. Develops perseverance: Trials don’t produce faith, but when trials are received with faith, it develops perseverance. But perseverance is not inevitably produced in times of trial. If difficulties are received in unbelief and grumbling, trials can produce bitterness and discouragement. This is why James exhorts us to consider it pure joy. Counting it as joy is faith’s response to a time of trial.

I like how he described patience as "active endurance." This is life: a heavy load, a marathon, requiring ongoing movement while enduring. You can't really escape it, but trying to do so can lead to bitterness and discouragement- no thanks! Might as well develop a "frame of mind which endures." Heaven knows I'll have many more things to endure, great and small trials, in the road ahead.

i. “It is occasionally asserted that James asks his readers to enjoy their trials . . . He did not say that they must feel it all joy, or that trials are all joy.” (Hiebert)

Guzik said: faith's response to a time of trials is: joy. We aren't being told to enjoy our trials (see above) but the response of a person who's faith is in Jesus is: joy. Joy because we are growing. Joy because God knows best. Joy because we are developing perseverance. Joy because life has greater meaning than any of these trials. Joy because we are loved by our Father.

Joy has been on my mind lately. I recently heard a sermon on the radio by David Hocking. He's a straight shooter and was clearing up the misnomer that joy is relative to our emotional state or mood. It isn't. Joy isn't happiness, although they can coincide. Joy is what you experience during times of trials and during times of blessing. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. When you have the Holy Spirit in your life, you have a part of the Trinity living in you. This is one of God's gifts to us.

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will [your] heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"   Luke 11:13

I am reading the book Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream in which the author, David Platt, made the point that in the verse above Jesus compares gifts to our children to the Holy Spirit. This is God's gift to us. When we need comfort, He gives us the Comforter (HS), when we face trials in faith, He gives us the Spirit that produces joy.

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"   Galatians 5:22-23

How badly I want to possess all those qualities mentioned in Galatians. I want to love, to be kind, to be joyful and gentle and self-controlled. I guess this takes time. It takes daily turning to the Lord in faith and asking His Spirit to keep working in me. Which is what I'll do :)


On a lighter note: here are some little things that bring me simple joy (which is probably actually happiness).

Fruit! I love having fresh fruit!

The graph that my husband makes from his spreadsheets that represent our debt going down. These spreadsheets change weekly, daily sometimes, as he reconfigures the "theoretical" numbers to give the most accurate timeline (ignore the blue line when it drops.. we're not there yet). Oh how I love him!

Love notes on the mirror. A reminder that he loves me too :)

'Love' notes on the dishwasher make me pretty happy too!

Life on the Fence

I feel like I am living on top of a fence. A wide and tall and deep fence... please bear with the analogy...

On one side: the world full of sinfulness and lost people being blinded by the devil. On the other side: an eternity of righteousness, truth, love and goodness. We start off in the world because of Adam and Eve. We are born sinners. Through God's gracious gift of Jesus, we have the choice to climb out of that world and eventually enter into heaven. We are stuck 'in' the world but it is not our home (i.e., not 'of' the world). It's like we get to climb out and away from the mire onto the fence of salvation. Yet, we have been commanded to preach the Gospel, to be salt and light, and to help as many people as we can to climb up out of the world and on to that fence of salvation. So we can't get too far away from the world or we'll be no good at helping people out of it. We also can't get too close to the world, or we might get duped into dangling our feet in their muddy waters.

In his preface to The Screwtape Letters, C. S. Lewis wrote:

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race falls about devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors, and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

I used to care what the world thought, I was a materialist, as C.S. Lewis put it. Yet, I also cared what the Lord thought and what the other people onthe fence thought (i.e., other believers).

I once befriended a person, out of natural circumstance, thinking that she wouldn't drag me into the world but that I would lead her up onto the fence. As you can imagine. It was much easier for her to have me teetering towards the world side than it was for me to pull her up there. In the end, I stayed on the fence and she walked away, further into the world. During that time of teetering, I started to stink more like the pride and selfishness of the world. My priorities were skewed by the world's priorities. As I said, I didn't fall off the fence (i.e., I didn't lose my salvation or sight of God) but I took on some of the world's qualities.  I tried to play the game of being friends with the world and with Jesus, I tried to serve two masters. This does not work, as the Bible clearly states. (James 4:4, Matt. 6:24). 

Jesus paid a high price for me to sit up on that fence, and for me to one day cross to the other side of the fence into the perfect eternity of heaven. He wasn't going to let me fall in without a fight. He didn't give up on me and I am now safely attached to the fence. I have learned my lesson about being friends with the world. I understand this verse more now than I ever could before.

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me, you will find it." -Jesus    Matt. 10:39

So here I sit on the fence, no longer trying to keep both sides happy. I surrender my measly life plan for the greater picture of God's plan.  When some worldly desire dances across my mind, I dismiss it because I know that what God has for us is far better than what the world can offer. Will I ever shop in Paris? Walk the streets of England? Maybe not, but I'll reassure myself that the clothes of heaven and streets of gold will be better than all the material goods in this world. I know that the promises of God are greater than anything this world can offer me.

I know these things with my head and my heart. I'm sold out, as they say. I serve one master. Yet still the struggle exists, the day-to-day choice to pick up our cross and follow Him. How do I sit up on this fence and also make some sort of an impact on the world?

::

Living in the US is a blessing, but also gives us choices that they don't have in, say, Haiti. Referring back to what C.S. Lewis said, in the US satan wants to make us materialists, but in Haiti, he wants lead them away from Christ as magicians. It makes me wonder how I ended up where I did. Did God know that I wouldn't hack it on the dirt roads of Haiti, or vice verse? How did I get to be so lucky as to have the 'struggle' of dying to my selfishness. These aren't choices they have in most parts of Haiti, they don't ponder organic vs. store brand. However, they fight a different battle that we'll never fight. Open spiritual warfare isn't something we see in the US. Thinking about my challenge to live modestly in contrast to seeing my neighbor be possessed by a demon puts some perspective on things.

I am reminded that my command is the same as theirs: love the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.

I will always remember the tenacity these girls had
for survival and for anything American
(especially for my American snacks)!
Tricotte, Haiti - 2004

Weekend Life

We try to enjoy this stage of our lives by really taking advantage of our freedom and flexibility. We won't always be able to pack up and take off on Thursday or Friday nights and be gone all weekend. We won't always be able to make last minute plans and change those plans at will.

Our families are important to us. Most of them live in the same small town four hours from here; our parents live less than a mile from each other. We have other important family and friends in Seattle, and another group of important family in Boise. All of these places are within four hours of driving. This does make seeing our families much easier, but also means that we are away from our home most weekends.

Not this weekend though. This weekend we stayed home and tried to get some housework done and get out into the community.  Ahhh :)

Saturday morning we made it to the Pasco Farmer's Market. We try to get out to either the Pasco or Richland markets to get some fresh produce for the week's menu.

This was it! It's usually WAY bigger, but I guess
it's still early in the season. We managed to find
some fruits and some beautiful chard.

We also tried a Hawaiian Smoothie.
This one is Hawaiian Lemonade:
strawberries, lemon and kiwi.

After the farmer's market, we still needed to get some more groceries for the week, so we went to the Country Mercantile. I love this store. During the summers it's full of fun produce and all sorts of local products and goodies.

We were looking for milk in glass bottles, but they didn't carry it. I also bought some other produce and cherries, which was a surprise this early in the season.

This is one type local product
that they sell. I'm not sure
 about this one though.
Canned Cobbler!? Hmm.

After the Country Mercantile, we finished up our grocery shopping with Albertson's and Costco. Not terribly exciting, except that we do love us a Costco trip. We also went to United Grocers. It's funny that we shop in bulk so much when there is just two of us. We like to get big packs of things and then use our Food Saver to break it down into smaller portions and freeze it. Like we'll buy a whole fillet of salmon and then cut it into servings and vacuum seal them. Blake's newest idea is to get a meat slicer and make our own lunch meat. I'm thinking that we aren't there yet ;). We don't use that much lunch meat. I think that we'll be pros if we decide to have a big family!

::

We had dinner after our grocery shopping (steaks, yams and broccoli, all grilled) and did some gardening.

We now have the following vegetables growing: Tomato (1), jalapenos (2), other hot peppers (2), bell peppers (5), cucumber (1), strawberries (2), lettuce/spring greens (4).

We also have the following herbs growing: Basil (4), dill (4), sage (1), rosemary (1 large), thyme (2), oregano (1), mint (1). I'm going to try growing my cucumber and future squash plants vertically!

My sage plant (top left) came back from last year, after nearly dying this winter. I've never seen it flower like this before.

After our dinner and gardening, we got an invite to come over to a friend's bbq. Since we'd already eaten, I decided to make a dessert to bring. I had just bought a ton of blueberries and it was a good reason to use them. I made Blueberry Pudding Cake, delicious. The recipe can be found here.

Not the best picture, but this
was the leftovers.

We had a great time visiting with friends. It feels like we never get to just go hang out at friends' houses, since we're never in town. Most of our friends here are originally friends of Blake's from college or new friends from church. We see our church friends every Tuesday during Bible study, but the two groups (Blake's friends and church friends) don't overlap (yet.. wouldn't that be great if they did one day).

Sunday came and brought a beautiful day for church out in their amphitheater. They do this only during the summer. Eventually it gets too hot and has to move to the early service, which we don't usually make it up for :).

At the top of the amphitheater.

I thought this might be a cool shot,
please don't interpret it as signs of boredom.
The study was great!

It happened to be communion Sunday.

The fountain, that also serves as the baptismal.

Took a few other shots while I had the camera out.

I love having my shoes off and my toes in the grass.

Our Sunday tradition is to get breakfast burritos from Roberto's Taco Shop after church. These things are so good! I'm sure my photos won't do it justice, but will make me recall the deliciousness that once was on my palate.

Egg, bacon, potato and cheese. Best served cut in half with
a side of 'green' sauce (which is actually brown).

Simple weekend, but thoroughly enjoyed. It's the sort of weekend that we'll think of as ordinary and boring a few years from now, when most of our weekends are this way. I'm sure that we'll wish for the last minute getaway weekends when we're in the stage of staying home with our family. The grass is always greener, isn't it.

Filler

My mind is mostly consumed with some inner turmoil about work... which I'm not sure if I will or should post about, at least until I finalize my thoughts. So I'll leave it in my brain for now and post something much less thoughtful or introspective.

Here is a little about me. It’s funny to read my responses to these types of questions a few years later.

1. What was your pet name when you were a kid?
   Jilly and my grandpa called me Jillsy-Pillsy (not a favorite).
   
   
2. If we say, we are here to help others, what are the others here for?
   To be helped and to help me ;)
   
   
3. Relate the funniest incident in your life. Or what was the funniest thing you did as a kid?
   Well, my family would all say that the funniest thing I did as a kid was the "waterfall incident."
   We had a tree house that was about 20' up in a tree with a rope ladder as the only way up and down. There was a missing rung right at the top, so it was tricky to get down. My cousin Tommy was a really funny kid, but apparently afraid of heights and for some reason decided to try to cure it by going up to the tree house. Well, long story short. I had to pee like crazy, I mean like crazy. I'm trying to get down the rope ladder, right at the tricky spot and Tommy decides to start freaking out in the funniest way possible. You see where this is going right. I'm laughing like crazy, barely holding onto the rope and barely holding onto my bladder. Guess which I let go of first... yes, my bladder. My family says that the streams of yellow you-know-what was pouring out of both sides of my shorts and went on FOREVER. There it is. They still laugh about it today.
4. Which was the naughtiest prank you played in school?
   I am so not a prankster. However, my friend Brie is and when we lived in the dorms at WWU we were pranked pretty badly by some guys in our dorm and she talked me into retribution. It wasn't my idea, I promise.
   We got into the guys' room, pushed their beds together, put pin-up pictures of teen male pop stars, wrote love notes to and from the roommates, and blared the B-52's "Love Shack" with their windows open. The best part was that when they walked onto their hall, they said, "Who are the tools blaring the B-52's". Imagine the looks on their faces when they realized it was them.
   
   
5. Who was your first crush?
   Troy J. in Kindergarten.
   
   
6. Which was the most embarrassing moment of your life?
   See number three. Also some serious foot-in-mouth scenarios.
    
7. List five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island.
   A water filter with desalination capabilities, a fishing pole, matches, my Bible with a picture of Blake for a bookmark (counts as one thing) and loads of sunscreen (seriously, I’m so fair skinned, a bad sunburn could kill me).
   
   
8. If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
   For the taxis and DDs... No, seriously, because it's a fallen world full of us fallen people.
   
   
9. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, how do monkeys and apes exist?
   According to those silly evolutionists "from amino acids that came from another planet".
   Obviously, this is ridiculous. Read Genesis.
   
   
10. What treatment would you seek if you were addicted to therapy?
    Jesus therapy.
    
    
11. Why are boxing rings square-shaped?
    So that there are corners to be backed into.
    
    
12. Don’t you think, the term, ‘free gift’ consists of a redundant usage of words?
    Not really. I think of a gift as something that was given with the intent to bless someone or make them happy. Something that’s just free, means that someone wants you to have it with an ulterior motive or it’s literally worthless. ‘Free gift’ then means someone has mixed intentions when they’re giving it away. Okay fine, 'free gift' isn't the best use of words.
         
         
13. If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?
    World-wide revival and belief in Jesus.

14. If you won the lottery, what would you buy?
    My college degrees (i.e., get out of debt).
    I'd also save some money to buy a moderate-sized house and land when we decide where that should be, save some money for my parent's elderly years (what they don't use, maybe I will), and start donating large monthly sums to my favorite Christian organizations. I might also make one large donation to a worthy cause… but I guess that’s not what the question asked.
    
    
15. Who is the most important person in your life and why?
    I'll define person as human and thus my most important person is my husband, Blake. He amazes me and makes me feel more loved than any other person has before and I love him more than I thought was possible (wait till I have kids, I’m sure).
    
    
16. Who was the most influential person in your life?
    Hmm. Again, person = human, so probably my youth pastor's wife/my mentor and now friend, Mary Beasley.
    
    
17. What is your earliest memory?
    This is hard because I think that some early memories are tainted/influenced by looking at pictures. It's kind of scary how many things I've forgotten. I really couldn't tell you what my 'earliest' memory is.
    I do remember standing by the window looking out at something outside and instead of resting my chin on the windowsill; I'd rest my top teeth on it because I liked how it felt for my teeth to sink into the wood. I can even remember the sound it made. My mom says I did this when I was pretty young, like the height of the windowsill, so two-ish, but I might have also done this when I was older and kneeling down.. kind of gross I know.
    
    
18. Who was your first kiss and how old were you?
    My first boyfriend, Cameron, when I was 20.
    
    
19. If you could go back to any age, which would it be?
    Either 4 or 5. Before any real responsibilities and when I still had childhood innocence.
    
    
20. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
    Oof. I'd be *gasp* 37. I hope to be loving Jesus more every day and following Him into motherhood, be it my own children, adoption, foster parenting or some combination of the three. I'd love to be living closer to our parents, but truly, I just want to follow the Lord and be content wherever He takes us.
    
    
21. Would you rather have hundreds of acquaintances or a couple good friends?
    Easy. A couple of good friends.
    
    
22. Where did you go on your last vacation and what did you do?
    Italy and Greece. Specifically: Venice, Italy; Bari, Italy; Katakolon, Greece; Santorini, Greece; Mykonos, Greece; Rhodes, Greece; and Dubrovnik, Croatia. You can read about it here. We went for our first anniversary. It was wonderful!
    
    
23. What article of clothing do you put on first in the morning?
    My underpants.
    
    
24. What is the first thing you do as part of your morning routine?
    Drag myself out of bed and go pee.
    
    
25. What is the first thing you think about in the morning?
    Probably the first thing I think about is if I really need to wake up at just that second. Then I start talking to my Savior.
    
    
26. What is the last thing you think about before you go to bed?
    I usually curl up next to my husband, who is usually already sound asleep, and fall asleep praying and thanking my Father for such a wonderful husband and the blessings He provides us with.
    
    
27. Where do you sleep on the bed (left side, right side, or the middle)?
    If you are standing at the foot looking toward the pillows, I sleep on the right. I swear my husband sleeps in the middle ;). I used to sleep on the left, but Blake is a left side sleeper and I am adaptable ;)
    
    
28. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
    45 minutes, but easily an hour if I can't decide what to wear.
    
    
29. Do you ever screen your phone calls?
    Almost always.
    
    
30. Why might you screen a phone call?
    I really prefer to focus on the people in the room, rather than the phone. So if I'm around people I'll only answer if necessary, and only if I actually hear my phone ring/vibrate. Also because if you aren't in my phonebook, I don't know your number and there's a high likely hood that you're a recruiter trying to get me to listen to their spiel about their therapy company. Also, I don't love talking on the phone, particularly in front of people. So if it can be accomplished in a text message or voicemail, I love it.
     
31. What is your biggest pet peeve about people?
    I heard an interview about a book called Annoying: The Science of What Bugs Us. Their hypothesis is that we are annoyed by things that we can't control or predict. They use the cell phone conversation in public as an example, it's annoying because you can't control it, but also can't tune it out, and can't predict what will be said next because you only hear one side.
    I'm sorry to say that I couldn't pick just one pet peeve about people, and I'm embarrassed by the things that do annoy me. I feel that this theory is probably right about why those things annoy me. Either way, every day is a chance to die to my sinful nature and practice patience and joy.
    
    
32. What type of driver are you?
    Confident, nearing careless. Not over cautious. I’m not even slightly hindered by bad weather, driving at night etc. However, I take liberties that I probably shouldn’t, like I always drive (long-ish distances) with my shoes off and one foot tucked up. Every day that I drive to work Sometimes I even sit crisscross when I have the cruise on. By most standards, I’m a bad driver. I do things while I drive, which I’ve stopped admitting to people because they are appalled.
    
    
33. Have you ever been stopped by the police? What happened?
    Funny they put these questions back to back. Given my admittedly poor driving habits, the answer is unsurprisingly, yes. I have had several speeding tickets, a ticket for failure to stay right, a ticket for talking on my cell phone and one ticket for failure to stop at a stop sign, which I got dropped in traffic court because I really did stop. The funny thing is that I don’t really speed anymore. I certainly used to, and that is when I got half of my speeding tickets. Now I’m thoroughly addicted to my cruise control and make a point to never speed, no matter what. However, there are still times when I can’t use cruise (traffic, 25 mph speed limits etc.) and it never fails, when I’m just not paying attention.. they are!
    
    
34. What is one of your biggest regrets? I hate it when people say, ‘I live a life with no regrets’.. Usually I hate this because their attitude implies that they can fix their own problems in their own strength. Also because these people tend to say that when they should regret the choices they’ve made. I feel like they say it because they feel convicted for their choices and this is a way to assert power over the feeling of conviction instead of just submitting and repenting.
    
    That said, I do firmly believe that there is ‘no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus’ (Romans 8:1). In that context, I have no regrets.
    Yet, I do wonder what my life would have been like if I’d really and truly always put God’s perfect will before my own. I regret some choices that I’ve made, knowing fully that I wasn’t serving God with them. I don’t condemn myself for those choices, but I’d certainly rather live without the consequences of those sins than with them.
    I'm starting to regret this survey..
    
         
         
35. What's your favorite TV show?
    I really like Bones on Fox.
    
    
36. What’s your favorite movie?
    I recently committed to this. Previously in my life, I could never choose. I’ve decided that Pride and Prejudice is my favorite. The new one, and I feel a little guilty about not loving the old one.
    
    
37. What type of music do you most like to listen to and why?
    Christian. I like that when I’m sending subliminal messages to my brain, they’re always positive. They point me to Christ if they do anything and I’d prefer that than pointing me to a lifestyle or thought process that is of the world. I used to love country too, but I feel like so much of it isn’t positive that it outweighs the few good Christian-ish songs on the station. I’ll still listen to some country, like on my iPod.
    
    
38. Do you have an easy time forgiving and forgetting?
    Not until recently. Last summer I read a book with my small group called The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I’ve thought about doing a book review on it. It is ridiculously excellent (no pun intended). In that book I really took to heart the meaning of the oh, so popular (we had it in our wedding) verse: 1 Cor. 13:4-7. I think we hear this so much get kind of immune to the depth of these words. Anyway. I used to really keep track of the wrongs against me, I think something from my childhood caused this, a way to keep from being hurt again. I realized through this book study that we are commanded by Jesus to love God with all our heart, soul and mind and to love our neighbors. If Jesus told me to do this, it’s important. My closest neighbor is my husband. If I say that I love my husband, and I do, then I should be patient, kind… and keep no record of wrong. If forgiving and forgetting is how I’m supposed to love people, specifically my husband, then I’d better get on it. Since then, it’s been easier to do so.
    

    ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    
    
          
39. Do you enjoy surprise parties?
    I’ve never had one thrown for me, but I don’t think I would enjoy it. I don’t like being the center of attention and when I do have to be, I need to know as many of the variables ahead of time as I can.
    
    
40. Do you have any hidden talents? What are they?
    I can wiggle my ears.
    
    
41. Do you sing in the shower?
    Most morning. I always have the radio on in the bathroom, so I probably sing along more that I think about it.
    
    
42. What is the one thing you can cook the best?
    I am a foodie. I love cooking. I particularly love a food challenge. I think the one thing I can cook the best would be cheesecake. I’ve found the perfect recipe and can generally turn one out that looks like it might have come from the you-know-what Factory.
    
    
43. What is your biggest fear?
    I fear economic collapse. I fear the possibility that our country will go under and food will be too expensive. I mostly fear this because my mom would then be right (she thinks this is likely).
    
    
44. What do you worry about?
    Oh, I guess this is answered in #43. I consciously try not to worry. I trust Jesus so much that I know He will get us through anything as long as we are following Him with all our hearts. That said, when worry does cross my mind, it’s about this economy failure thing. Also I worry about lost opportunities to lead people to Christ because of my selfishness. That I just have to surrender to Him though.
    
    
45. What do you hope for in the future?
    I hope that the people I love will love Jesus (if they don’t already) and know the peace and blessing that comes from knowing Him. I hope to be able to be a mom and do look back on my life knowing that I’ve served my King well.

Tidbits

Tidbits are a fun 'blog' thing to do ;). No where else do you get to purge random thoughts that don't apply to a real conversation... except maybe to your husband.

1.) I have no idea what I'm making for dinner. This doesn't mean that I'm not sure what I should make.. it means I literally just put something in the oven and I have no idea what it is. My father in law gives us an abundance of meat. It's great because our freezer is well stocked and as long as we have a steady supply of electricity we're set on meat for a long time. That said.. they aren't always labeled.. and generally look very similar. Tonight's roast is either: elk, buffalo, venison, beef or possibly pork.. but it's a little more 'red meat' looking than that. We'll see when it comes out (maybe)!

2.) I have a love/hate relationship with the following things:

• Spray 'N Wash - love what it does to stains, hate how it smells and feels.
• My bangs - love how they look, hate how they are always laying wrong or in my eyes.
• Shoes - love shoes for the fashion statement, hate actually having them on my feet and hate having to wear closed to shoes because of work.
• My iPhone - love the convenience and instant knowledge, hate how dependant on it I am.
• Making baby items - love how stinkin cute they are, hate how fast they grow out of it.
• Growing lettuce - I love having fresh lettuce right in my kitchen (we have an Aerogarden), I hate that I end up wasting it because I don't use it fast enough!

Okay, I could probably go on, but those were the ones bugging me at present.

3.) I got a haircut today. It was so very super hard to find a new hair stylist. I loved the guy that did my hair in Seattle. I walked in, he had a cup of tea ready for me and we just talked while he did whatever he thought best with my hair.. which was always fantastic. So instead of trying new places, I just went without a haircut for 20 months! Yikes! I finally tried a new place in April, which turned out fine and I went back today for the second time. It's scary how wacky the hair stylist's hair is, well all of them that work there actually, yet they manage to cut my fairly plain-Jane layered hair style just fine.

4.) I'm okay with silence. Especially if I know you. My hair stylist today would. not. talk. It was really weird. A little too much silence, especially for a hair stylists. They usually talk your ear off (kind of like us SLPs)!

5.) I love British period piece movies/miniseries. Lately I've watched: Daniel Deronda, Anne of 1000 Days, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice (my #1), The Young Victoria, Downton Abbey, Ladies in Lavender and Lady Jane. Currently, I'm watching Bleak House.

6.) I hate that I overuse certain punctuation marks, such as: the ellipse..., the exclamation mark!, the semi-colon parenthesis smile ;), and the 'half quote'. I hate this, but still do it because I feel like otherwise I can't get my intent out in text and people might take my sarcasm for seriousness and that might be offensive! (maybe this belongs in the love/hate section because I do also love punctuation).

Well, I'd better check on the mystery meat!

Spring!

I know I'm a little late, spring is nearly over. Only 20 days till summer. I'm not counting down to summer for summer's sake, but my birthday is the first day of summer so it's ingrained in me.

I have such a new appreciation for spring. When you grow up in western Washington seasons aren't distinct. Winter blends into spring, spring into summer and summer into fall and so on. The beauty of this is that there are so few extremes. It doesn't get extremely hot or extremely cold. Okay, maybe there are days of extreme rain and clouds... but even then we're not talking hurricanes, monsoons or torrential downpours. So you really learn to just take the weather one day at a time and you don't think about what season it should be.

I digress. So I currently live in Kennewick, (southern) Washington. Thirty minutes north of the Oregon border. Here we have more distinct seasons but still skewed toward really-stinkin-hot-all-the-time or pretty-darn-cold-with-little-to-no-snow. It is also always WINDY!

This year, however, has been most enjoyable. I hear others complain that it has been a very rainy spring, and that it should be nicer by now. It has been perfect, in my opinion. I love rainy days, so the more the better. Also, I have a new appreciation for this time of year. It's the only time there is any natural greenery around here and when it is sunny it is enjoyable because it stays around 70 degrees outside!

Another reason I am loving this spring is because this is my first spring working in Pendleton.

Pendleton is a small town in Oregon, south of Walla Walla and nestled right next to the Blue Mountains. It is mostly known for the yearly rodeo held there, the Pendleton Round-Up but also known for the Pendleton Woollen Mills, and Pendleton Grain Growers.

Pendleton is about 70 miles from Tri-Cities and about an hour and fifteen minute drive. I have worked in Pendleton since last August. I really enjoy the people, the small town and the unconventional rural SNF I work in.

More to the point, I also love my long rural commute. Most days it's me, 2-3 other cars and some semis. On the occasional Friday there's some real traffic and that means maybe 10 cars and several semis.

The thing about this little Pendleton story, and why it's part of my Spring post, is that Pendleton is GORGEOUS in the spring. There are green fields, farms with baby animals running around and usually nice patchy cloud cover that keeps it cooler but still sunny. It is wide open but with the backdrop of the Blues. Driving down into the valley that holds Pendleton can be breathtaking. Particularly in the spring. I wish I could capture it and share the beauty but I'm not sure that's safe to do while driving. Maybe one of these days I'll pull over and take some pictures. Here is one I found on this website though.

(Un)Employment

So as you may know, I am a speech-language pathologist. I used to work in schools and nursing homes (SNFs) and always had entirely too many places of employment at one time. I was always busy and working. Mostly I couldn't say no when there was money to be had. Also, I love what I do. I couldn't imagine not doing it. I figured I'd be one of those moms that worked a couple days a week just to keep my sanity and skills up. I thought, 'what would I ever do if I didn't work... I'd go crazy!'

Once I was finished with the 2008-2009 school year in June, 2009, I quit all my jobs and moved home with my parents for the month of July. We got married August 1st and then I moved to Tri-Cities with Blake after our wonderful honeymoon. I didn't work for the months of July and August, but they were very busy months so it didn't seem strange.

I was forever done working in the schools (if I could help it) and decided to work for a contracting agency doing local contracts. I also said I'd try to have only one job at a time, in order to focus on being a wife. Ha! Little did I know, that wouldn't be a problem.

My first contract was awesome. I worked in outpatient pediatrics, with the occasional adult patient here and there, at a great hospital in Richland. It was definitely my favorite setting to work in so far (I still haven't done home health though). I loved working with kids and loved the no IEP, no report card, no meetings aspect of it. I love that the kids come to me, no tracking them down and no making up minutes when they don't come.
I got the contract at the hospital because they had hired several people that couldn't start until later in the Fall. So when my 13 weeks was up, there was no chance they'd extend me and my staffing manager couldn't find  anything else in the area. I considered taking a travel assignment in Moses Lake or Colfax but just couldn't bring myself to live apart from Blake four months after finally getting to live with him, in the same town and house.

So it was unemployment for me.

A week off was nice, two weeks okay, three was boring and by the fourth week I was sleeping till three pm and staying up until all hours of the morning. I was so sick of TV. About a month of wasted days and barely waking up in time to make dinner when Blake got home from work. It was pretty sad.

I was still going to Women's Bible study Tuesday nights. Sometimes I would barely get up and shower in time to make it to study at 6:30 pm. That was rock bottom. It's so fortunate that I did have Women's study, or I'd have had no direction and not much for support. Blake wasn't happy that I slept all day and really, neither was I.

Come January, I had to do something. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, first off. I also made myself get up and out of bed when Blake did and used that time to read my Bible and do my Bible study homework. This was the beginning of my heart transformation.

I started to realize how selfish and faithless I had been. My attitude had been horrible. I was so proud and so blind... Still!

It was through those morning hours in my Bible, through emails with godly women and through conversations during our small group time at Bible study that I saw how far from my walk with God I had wandered. More on that later maybe.

It was during this time of unemployment that I learned to have faith and lean on God again. This was the second ring of my wake-up call.

Unemployment taught me that I am not what I do. Although I do believe that God had a purpose in me being an SLP, I certainly fit the description, and love it... This did not define me. My success, income and knowledge did not make me who I was, it was not my worth. I was not lost without it. HE defined me.

Unemployment taught me to surrender to God, to trust Him to provide for our family, to have faith in HIS greater purpose and to praise Him in that situation.

Most importantly, unemployment taught me to share these things with my husband. We had to have faith together. We had to pray about this together. We needed to learn how to deal with issues together and with God's will and plan in mind... not our own!

Eventually I did find work. At the end of February I had a new contract at a SNF in Hermiston, OR. It opened suddenly and I filled it just as quickly. This was the Lord's provision and I rejoiced in it!

I began a new chapter of work with a renewed heart and renewed faith. Unemployment was a weird thing, and certainly not something I ever thought I'd experience as an SLP! This was clearly another way that God was working in our hearts and marriage to help us get started off on the right foot. I think that if it had not been for that period of time with a tight budget and a stark reality of just how much debt we had.. We wouldn't be on the path we're on now. We would have easily been pulled back into our pride and materialism and selfishness. God knew, as He always does, that we needed some more time in the desert to make good habits and for Pete's sake to trust HIM!

God's Country Revisited

It's an inside joke now between my brother, Jared, and I about Tri-Cities being "God's country." It only took him one week of staying here to realize that it's just a windy desert. You can read the whole story here.

After living here for a while now, I thought I should revisit the issue. Now that my heart has softened and my attitude improved. The irony of this joke is that in the end, this is God's country; it's the land He chose for us during this time of our lives. God not only met us here, He purposed to bring us here. Kicking and screaming on my part, but still He had a bigger plan for our lives and marriage and He knew this was where we needed to be. Despite my fight, He didn't give up on me.

I moved in with Blake when we got back from our honeymoon in August. We had already found a church but hadn't really 'plugged' in yet. I knew I needed to, and wanted to, get involved in a small group of some sort but wasn't sure how. Also I desperately wanted to make some friends that were also believers. Women's Bible study was starting in September and I debated about going. I sat there the night it was starting and went back and forth about if it would be the right fit for me (I know, I hadn't even been yet). It just sounded like an old lady's study. Something about the title 'Women's Bible study' made me think of old ladies sitting around talking about these young kids and their crazy music (or whatever). Now I realize how silly that mental image was. Our church is pretty modern and the older ladies that do attend are nothing like that!

Anyway, so finally Blake said, "Just go! You know you should at least check it out and it'll be good for you." So I went. Of course it was awesome and totally what I needed (and totally age appropriate). The book they were using for the study was called Live Fearlessly: A Study in the Book of Joshua. It was about Joshua's leadership of the Israelites out of the desert and into the promise land. This Bible study was the start of my journey back towards Christ. Previously, my journey had been slowly, slowly, slowly away from Christ and toward the world. This study made me first realize that I had not been open to God's will for my location. It was the first ring in my wake-up call.

At the time I laughed about how here I was in the 'desert', just like the Israelites were in the desert. I liked to think of my time wandering in this desert as a punishment for my lack of faith and trust in God for my future. I also liked to think of a 'promise land' that I could enter through faithfully following God's leading... surely that couldn't be here!

Now I realize that anywhere God brings you and anything He brings you through is the promise land*. The desert may be a desert but that doesn't mean it's a punishment.. and even if it is discipline, it's meant to lead you closer to Him. I am both in the desert and in my promise land. He daily fulfills the promise that if I seek Him, He will be found by me. He fulfills the promise to show me which path to take if I don't lean on my own understanding. He has promised to forgive my repentant heart and to fill me with His joy. Better is one day in His courts, than a thousand elsewhere!

It's sad for me to look back on my attitude and to see how I had slowly changed to be more like the world instead of clinging to Jesus and His love. I think about how hard I fought with my pride and selfish plans. But. I’m glad to have learned the lesson, because I can also look back and see God’s hand in my life when I have surrendered to Him. It’s amazing to look back and see how He protected me and replanted me, when I didn’t deserve it.

This truly is, God’s country!

*Promise Land: I use this metaphorically only. I realize that God's promise to the Israelites is a literal promise, and a literal land described in detail in the Old Testament.

Retroposting

I finally have a personal computer again!! My early birthday gift is a cute little netbook. My old laptop has been out of commission for a long time now. It took all day just to turn on, sync my iPhone, and turn back off. Each time I turned it on, I worried that it would be the last. I did almost all of my computing on my iPhone, which was pretty limiting when it came to typing long things... like say a blog entry.

I've been reading a few new blogs lately. Blogs of some really inspiring, godly women. It has inspired me to pay some attention to mine now and get caught up on journaling. I loved to journal all through high school and college. I still do some, but I struggled with blogging because.. who are you writing to, who is reading this, who really cares!?

I've decided that I care ;) and I'd like to have better organization to my thoughts. I like the idea of being able to look back on my blog and see where I've been. I like having things easily searchable and all in one place. If no one but me reads it... oh well!

So in addition to attempting to blog with some regularity. I've decided that I'd also like to try to compile some of the important events in life from my written journals and have them all in one place. I'm calling this "Retroposting." It feels dishonest (yes, to myself.. the likely sole reader) to just backdate posts without marking them as such, so I'll tag them as 'retropost'. However, I'll try to keep it accurate with the time period. There are some attitudes in my past that I'm not proud of.. but that was where I was at the time and look where I've come!

I'd like to have it all together, the good, the bad and the ugly.... within reason.

Here's to some pointless but life capturing blogs ;)

Long Beach in May

We wanted to go to Long Beach again with our friends, Whitney and Jason. Whitney is a teacher and needed a weekend getaway to break up the time between spring break and summer, so we arranged a May visit to the beach. It was pretty nice weather and happended to be the last weekend of spring clam season. It was the first time any of us had been clamming, at least as adults anyway. We had a good time, as long as we were finding clams and when it wasn't raining.

Blake was loving it! Giddy as a school kid!

Driving on the State Hwy, aka the beach.

They may not look intimidating, but
there are some intense clam diggers here.

We were pretty intense clam diggers too.
If by intense you mean fair weather diggers, letting our
husbands find most of our clams kind of intense.  :)

Blake's grampa is known for his notes, always with a fine tip
Sharpie, and usually very specific or precise. It's so cute!
This was what we found when we got to the cabin.
(If you're wondering, the one on right was better)

The clam cleaning begins! It's a lot of work to clean
88 clams! I helped for about as long as it took to take
this picture, because I have no stomach for the wretched
smell of clam guts and the sliminess of their insides.
Thankful for men with strong stomachs!

Men cleaning clams in the kitchen means I'm cooking
in the living room! Prep work anyway ;)

Before we left.

The cookbook we bought this time is Kathy Casey's Northwest Harvest. We used her recipe to cook the razor clams. Blake has done a lot of fishing lately and our freezer is full of cod, halibut and sea bass. I'll be needing the recipes to bring some variety to all that delicious white fish.

It's always a good time at the beach. We had wonderful food and good company!