Pumpkin Patch

So we went to the pumpkin patch... back at the beginning of October ;).

Harrison had just made his unexpected arrival and we were staying with my parents for a week before coming back home, so we took the opportunity to visit the same pumpkin patch we went to last year.

We really like this little pumpkin patch in Vancouver called Joe's Place Farm. It's short and sweet. There is a hay ride and a corn trail (not sure it's a maze) and photo ops, but we just like that it has pumpkins, apples and wagons etc. And mostly that they pick the pumpkins and sort them for you by size and type. No wandering through the muddy fields with babies and toddlers without boots. It's kind of like the pumpkin patch made easy and that's where we are at right now (and where we were last year) ;).

We missed having Auntie Macey with us this year but loved that we could bring Ellie with us! Everyone enjoyed it.. well, Harrison might have slept through it but we can say he enjoyed it.

Pumpkins!!

Ellie found her pumpkin

My pumpkin in the pumpkins. 

We're still working on the smiling/not blinking/looking-at-the-camera-at-the-same-time thing

Cousins!!

Cousins!!

Lots of kisses

This one!

Running on the corn trail

Big camera selfie

The wagon with pumpkins was probably the highlight

For some reason the rest of these are out of order, but I don't have the energy to fix it.

She really likes kissing his fingers. 

Sneaky!

She's pretty sure she can pick it up ;)

Our little family

Harrison's Birth Story

Friday Sept. 25th started out like any other day in a hospital on bed rest. I thought I had several more days of this! I hadn't slept great the night before because of the continuous monitoring (which showed nothing but good news that our little Monkey was doing just fine). In the early morning my temp went from in the 97's to the 98's, which is still normal but I was a little worried that it might keep creeping up. I had the personality conflict nurse again that day and was just trying to lay low and make it until shift change. At about noon my legs started to feel a little achy and again, I was worried it was maybe infection coming on, but really it was too soon to tell. Also, baby's heartbeat is the first indicator of infection and he was looking rock solid.

By mid-afternoon I was having more braxton hicks contractions than typical for that time of day, but they were still classic BH contractions, spotty/one sided, painless etc. Around 4:00 Blake brought Emerson down to spend some time together as a family and planed on bringing her back up around 7 for bed and then probably coming back down for the night.

Our last moments as a family of three.

Between 5:30 & 6:00 I was still having more frequent BH contractions but they were becoming a little uncomfortable. It was really strange because they were still only one sided but also felt cramp-like in my lower abdomen. I told Blake but I really wanted to wait until after shift change (6-6:30) to say anything because I just didn't want to deal with this nurse. He was getting nervous because he could tell they were getting more uncomfortable. So finally we decided to call in the nurse at 6 and have them put the monitor on to check on Monkey and see if there was any pattern to these weird contractions.

A random nurse answered my call (whew) and hooked me up and then at 6:30 my nurse and the new nurse came in to do report and I updated them both on my contraction situation. It was really unclear if I was going to end up in labor or if this was just false labor, so no one acted too worried. We did decide to have my parents come get Emerson instead of Blake bringing her home though. They got there around 7:30 and left around 8:00. By the time they left I was having to concentrate a little to get through the contractions, which were starting to be a little more like normal contractions and less like BH contractions. Poor Emerson kept asking me if I was feeling okay ('Feeling otay mommy? Feeling otay?). We said goodbye and goodnight and they left wondering what was going to happen tonight!

Around... maybe 8:30 the hospitalist came by to check with me. The contractions were around 6 minutes apart with some outliers a little closer. I asked when he would decide if I'm officially in labor and that this was unlikely to fade off. He said something vague like maybe soon. I thought this would be a more official decision for them but I guess not.

I was completely working through these contractions like I did when I was well into active labor with Emerson, so in my mind it was the real thing, I was just waiting for them to declare it so that we'd feel okay with them checking me. At some point my nurse changed and my new nurse basically slipped in quietly after introducing herself. There was enough time in between contractions that we got to know her a little and vice versa.

Obviously at this point, birth plans aren't really important. Getting your baby out safely is the priority. However, our nurse was really great about trying to give me the best of both worlds. She really gave us our space, keeping the lights off and letting Blake and I work through things on our own. It was really the perfect combination of my home birth atmosphere in a hospital. They did keep the monitor on me, but it wasn't really interfering with my labor mojo since I'm not much of a wanderer. Our nurse came and went to give us our space until things picked up more. Only occasionally she would reach in and push the monitor during a contraction to make sure she could watch his heartbeat, and for the most part this wasn't intrusive but sometimes it was killer to have her push on my abdomen during a contraction. This was pretty minor though considering I was a high risk delivery and they would need a lot of people in the room at some point.

(Warning, birth terminology about to appear). It was some time between 9:45 and 10:00 that I lost my mucus plug and that certainly sealed the deal that I was having this little guy. I was happy to have this sign of how things were progressing but given the intensity of the contractions I was really mentally preparing myself for a long night. I felt like they were as intense now as when I was only a few hours from having Emerson, but that was also hours after losing my plug. So I thought I was in for several more hours of this as I dilated. At any rate, I figured this meant I would certainly start dilating now and that is a good mental reminder to help me get through each contraction. It really helps me to visualize what is happening during each contraction. I told my nurse about my plug and said I must be in active labor now. She said my contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart and that she had considered me in active labor for awhile now. Oh.. okay then.

I remember asking what time it was and it was sometime around 10:20 or 10:30. I was surprised at how quickly time had gone by. The contractions were fairly intense but my TENS was helping, as was going between the exercise ball and standing/leaning on Blake. I really had to concentrate on what each contraction was doing to my uterus and that each one meant soon we'd have our baby in our arms. I remember thinking that the contractions were getting pretty rough but then it seemed like they weren't as bad as they just had been. I could do this! After the contractions seemed to ease up a little I noticed I started humming through them. Otherwise I'm quiet in labor and really keep everything in my mind, just breathing and relaxing so my uterus can do it's work. I was standing with Blake for a few of them and I remember I felt like I could really feel things opening up. Then another contraction hit and I leaned on the bed and suddenly it hit me that there was something there. I said, "It's like his head is right between my legs". We decided I'd better be checked so I climbed up onto the bed and she checked me. She said I was complete plus two and went to get the doctor. I was sitting there and asked Blake if he could see the head, it felt like it was RIGHT there! Then the next contraction came and Blake yelled, "Head! We have a head coming!" The nurse runs in, hits the code button on the wall and yells, "EMERGENCY! Get everyone in here!" as she's rushing to the bed and catches Harrison just as he is coming out at 10:50. I'm not sure I even pushed! The lights were still off when he came out but they turned them on almost immediately after.

A few seconds later the room was swarming with people. Labor and delivery nurses, the doctor, the pediatrician, the NICU nurses.. they all rushed in asking where was this and where was that. My nurse just kept saying, "Nothing, we have nothing! We didn't know he was coming this fast!" Blake told me this because I don't really remember anything except looking at my sweet little guy and being so glad he was screaming and crying. That was my prayer because if he was screaming then the doctor said that they wouldn't rush him off and I'd get to hold him for a bit. If he was screaming it meant his lungs were pretty good and that was one of our biggest obstacles as a preemie. There was so much hope in his little screams. He received 9's on both APGAR tests.

Apparently he had a short cord because he couldn't reach to my chest or my tummy but was resting on my leg. I was holding him and the nurse was helping me. My doctor had come in and said, "What happened!?" He started gowning up and prepared to deliver the placenta. He started doing the meanest things to my stomach. Oofta. I mean seriously.

The pediatrician came over and started looking at Harrison and said to cut the cord. I asked to let it go until it stopped pulsing. She said their policy was to let it go for one minute and it had been one minute. I said I'd like to let it go longer. The doctor said he could finish getting ready. It was at least over three minutes. He let Blake cut it and then they let me hold him on my chest for a few minutes but pretty soon they had all their stuff ready for him and took him to do their assessments. I don't remember what they did except that he kept showing us his lungs worked and I was being tortured by the doctor and it felt like he wanted to get all of my insides pushed out by force. Apparently he wasn't happy with how things were going because he gave me a shot of pitocin to help stop the bleeding or whatever he wasn't happy with, he didn't say.

Eventually they got their assessments done and Harrison was back on my chest. I got to nurse him for as long as he wanted to, which was quite a while, over half an hour. I was so impressed and couldn't believe how quickly and easily he latched right on and went to town. I mean seriously, the kiddo just knew what he was doing!

After he was done nursing, the patient staff weighed him and measured him and the NICU team took him off to his own NICU room and Blake followed along. I had to stay in my room for two hours and have by blood pressure monitored and have my uterus and abdomen assaulted every so often. After about an hour and a half she said it seemed like I might need to use the restroom and it occurred to me that yes, I did have a full bladder. So I got up to go to the bathroom and my nurse could tell that I was feeling okay. She let me get busy packing up our things and loading them onto a cart. By the time my two hours were up I was on my way to my postpartum room and then off to NICU see my baby.

I'm still shocked and amazed at how much better my body is doing after Harrison's delivery compared to Emerson's delivery. I'm sure this is partly due to his size and also the more preferred head-down presentation. Plus they say that subsequent births are just easier to recover from. At any rate, I feel like a million bucks comparatively.

1:00 in the morning, snuggling my little guy.
Who can sleep when there's a baby to hold!?

It doesn't really seem like a fair comparison, since his head was so small, but so far I'd say that head down deliveries are much nicer than bottom down deliveries. I didn't really know what to expect, which is probably why his head descending caught me off guard. Head down means a bit of pain and then easier shoulders etc and then it's over, but bottom first meant easier at first and then excruciating as you try to pass a wider and wider part of the baby. We'll see if I change my tune though if I have a bigger baby sometime. Blake isn't so sure we should try to have more kids, given the wild variety of births I've had so far. He says my pregnancies are too hard on him ;).

All in all, this was the most ideal outcome that we could have had from this situation. We feel extremely fortunate and know that God was really answering the hundreds of prayers being sent His way. We are so amazed at His faithfulness. My first priority was keeping Harrison safe, but God saw fit to also give me a peaceful, natural birth with my husband by my side. I'm just in awe of how it all worked out!

Thursday in A Billion Words

Things are still stable here. Well, maybe not my emotions today, but otherwise things are stable. I'm feeling fine still and Monkey is still doing really well.

I had an ultrasound this morning to check amniotic levels. Although the report hasn't come back yet it was pretty clear that there wasn't much in there. I'm still leaking a little and the tech said that his bladder was really full so he was obviously still making use of what fluid there is. It was a discouraging way to start the day. Our (nice) perinatologist from yesterday had said that amniotic level really isn't a primary indicator. He said that some women come in with none and carry for weeks and others come in full and stay full for weeks. There are some chances of increased cord compression, and some increased chances for placental issues, but the fact that amniotic fluid is low is not a deciding factor in any decisions. It doesn't really change the plan or course of action. Monkey's heart rate and reactions to contractions (I still get several braxton hicks contractions through out the day) is more of an indicator with how he's doing. Even knowing that, it was hard to see that there was so little fluid. Fortunately, Monkey has been great all day and has been reassuring all of us that he's still fine with no issues noticed in his heart rate so far. 

Today was also hard because I had an interesting nurse and had to see the first perinatologist again from Sunday. My nurse was nice, friendly and competent but kind of brisk and had a way of making me aware of any little thing that I was doing that might not be following orders (most of which I didn't realize and none of the other nurses so far have felt the need to tell me). Things like taking my hospital bracelet off while I'm laying in bed or having my own prenatal vitamin. She was okay with it, just needed me to know it wasn't technically okay. Which I actually appreciate. I may prefer to go against protocol but I am still a rule follower and if I'm going to break a rule I like to know I'm doing it and have a good reason for it ;). It was just the way she went about letting me know who was in charge. 

I can't complain though. I've had amazing nurses during my stay so far and this was the first personality conflict I've had (outside of the first perinatologist), and that's really all it was. Speaking of the first perinatologist.. she was back today and I suspect will be around for a few days. You could tell that she wasn't happy that I had disregarded her recommendations. Her words were, "I see that you negotiated with Dr. [nice guy] and have your plan set to 35 weeks." She then proceeded to remind me of the risks I was taking and went on her way. It was short at least, just not sweet. 

The frustrating thing with this is that there are things I'd like to discuss with someone in her position. Some things I could have asked today and some things I know will come up as time goes on, as information comes in or as situations change. I'd really love to have a doctor that I feel has some regard for my desires, thoughts and/or feelings as a mother. I'd really love to have open dialogue about the risks and the possible outcomes. I'd like to better understand some of the intricacies of these risks in order to make a more informed decision as things come up, assuming I have the luxury of time to do so. I'm not pretending that I'll suddenly have years of med school under my belt and that we can have a colleague-like discussion, I'm just saying that it would be nice to be treated like a person with a brain and to have the option of understanding what may or may not go on with my body and my baby, rather than blindly follow and trust someone else's supposed infinite wisdom. I'm not saying they don't have wisdom, I'd just like to use that wisdom to make a decision that we feel comfortable with.

I think I was running on a little more hope yesterday and today took some of the wind out of my sails. I have a lot of faith in my body to fight infection and in the natural birth process, but I also know this isn't the natural birth process and most of those bets are off. I know it's idealistic to think that I'll get through this without being induced or without delivering preterm. Not that it hasn't been done before, because it has! I just realized today that some of the things I was holding onto aren't necessarily indicators of anything. We really do need to take it one day at a time, no matter how badly I want to believe in a certain outcome. I don't want to naively sit here telling myself it's going to be just fine. I do want to have realistic expectations, which would be some combination of what a great doctor can discuss with me and the things I know about my body. I also need to remember that God really is bigger than this and can do amazing things, unrealistic, unexpected things even!

Anyway, Blake came back today and it was such a relief to see him. My sweet mother in law brought him a favorite local pizza for dinner and we had a nice visit with her for awhile. Eventually he decided to head to my parents' house to bring some things up there for Emerson, get a decent nights sleep and to be there when Emerson wakes up so my mom can have a bit of a break.

Speaking of my mom - what a rockstar she is! She's really the glue holding this whole thing together. We'd be lost without her help with Emerson and I'd really be lost without her bringing me food (homemade butter!!) and some other basic amenities like decent hand soap and shampoo/conditioner. Not to mention she's doing my laundry and also watches my one year old niece four days a week and keeping up with their household. It's a lot to put on her at once!

Food, that's another thing. If you know me, you know I'm kind of into healthy eating ;). The quality of my food really matters to me as does the nutrient density of what I put in my body. On top of that, I am gluten intolerant, so that limits what I can eat quite a bit. One accidental meal with gluten and I have horrible joint pain for around two weeks. That's no fun on a good day but while pregnant and stuck in bed it's really miserable. I also don't eat hydrogenated oils (like soybean, canola or palm oil) because they give me headaches and body aches (kind of like I have the flu), as does refined sugar. Again, on a good day a little slip up with these isn't the end of the world but it's a bigger deal when I'm pregnant and my body is so sensitive.

So no sugar, bad oils or gluten means I have the following options for hospital food: cream of rice cereal or cheese omelet for breakfast and for lunch and dinner I can have rice and steamed vegetables with either salmon, beef patty or chicken. I also get a fruit cup and a salad and/or veggie plate with each meal. Yesterday I discovered they have real olive oil and balsamic vinegar, so it's been a treat to have some sort of dressing for my salad. Again, thankfully my mom has sent in some food for me and Blake bought some things at the store too. I'd certainly rather eat the same thing everyday than feel miserable though, so I'm not complaining, I just think it's kind of a laughable menu.

Just now during my hour of monitoring, Monkey had a little drop in heart rate to one BH contraction, so the hospitalist is playing it safe and having me on constant monitoring through the night. While this has happened once before and the doctor then said it wasn't a big deal since all of his other reactions to BH contractions were normal and he is so stable otherwise... this doctor is more conservative and wants to cover his bases. Although it's harder to sleep with the monitors on, I understand and appreciate his approach and hopefully it won't be too long of a night. This is the kind of thing that is certainly easy to compromise on. It doesn't really effect Monkey and I can deal with it. More information is good when the cost of getting it is minimal so I'm happy to comply. This will also (hopefully) help relieve any worry in the back of our minds about his low amniotic fluid levels and the room his cord has. Let's hope the night goes well and that little man shows us he's doing fine still! 

Monkey Update: the Long Emotional Version

Our little Monkey is already making waves! Despite how uncomplicated this pregnancy has been and how healthy I've been and how good I've felt.. my body is apparently not sure how much longer it wants to host Monkey. While I'd be happy to meet him soon, I'd also rather he spent a little more time cooking.

HOW IT STARTED
It was Sunday morning, Sept 20th, I was 33 weeks 3 days. We were staying with my parents, in town for a shower I'd enjoyed the day before. I woke up with heartburn a little after 4 AM and got up to go to the bathroom. This was all very routine at this point but after I went to the bathroom several times I realized something was wrong and I was leaking fluid. I've heard stories of moms thinking their water broke but it was just a weak bladder, but my bladder was empty and fluid was still coming. I was hoping there was some other explanation as to what was happening but when it didn't stop, in my heart, I knew it could only be one thing.

I sat on the edge of the bed and just cried to myself for a few minutes as the reality of what was likely happening went though my mind. I silently sobbed as I processed all the changes that I should expect. If this was really amniotic fluid leaking this meant so many changes. It meant I was saying goodbye to my home birth plans. Most likely goodbye to having a full term baby. Goodbye to being able to protect him from the world by having him in the comfort and familiarity of our home and having him with me at every moment. It meant saying goodbye to him joining our family with just us for a few days, quiet, intimate. It meant saying hello to him sooner but in an environment full of strangers and strange germs. It most likely meant saying hello to the NICU and needles and tubes. He would need more than just me, which is all he's supposed to need. Medications, plastic, disposable diapers, all those things that I wanted to avoid because I'm me. I knew I was going from minimalist to full-on medical. A total 180 was going on in my head. I prayed through this for a few minutes and surrendered my hopes and plans. God knew this was going to happen, He wasn't surprised and I trust that He will take care of us. He is bigger than all of these unknown things that are coming at us.

I pulled myself together and woke Blake up. Told him what I thought was going on. We agreed we needed to go to the hospital and have the fluid checked. I woke my mom up and told her what we were doing and she went to sleep in our room so someone would be there when Emerson woke up.

As we drove to hospital we nervously talked, hoping we were overreacting, praying everything was going to be okay. Discussing the irony that we were far from home, in a loaner car while ours was being worked on. So much going on in our lives and yet it was all possibly coming to a halt.

We arrived and the ER sent us up to OB triage. They did their usual bit (tons) of paperwork and did a swab test to see if the fluid was amniotic fluid.

It was.

So then we began the conversations, what to expect, what the progression might be and what the outcomes would be if Monkey was born that day, the next etc. It was all so hypothetical. I wasn't in labor. I had no contractions. They did an ultrasound to estimate his size and check to see if I was effaced. I wasn't. My body wasn't preparing for labor in any way. I just had an unexplaned rupture in the amniotic membranes. Preterm premature rupture of membranes (pPROM it's called).

I was admitted, given a room and we waited to see some specialists to get some more answers before we made decisions about medications and interventions. We talked to the neonatologist and got more information about the likely status of Monkey's lungs if was born now, in a few days or in a week etc. We discussed the standard protocol for a premature birth and the risks vs benefits of keeping him in vs letting him be born if that's what happens. We were specifically looking for information about the use of betamethasone to mature his lungs. Our admitting dr said that at 34 weeks they consider the lungs developed and that steroids would no longer be a benefit. We were very close to 34 weeks so we were considering waiting the time out without it. However, the neonatologist said that more recent studies show a benefit from the steroids through 35 weeks. It would reduce his risk of lung disease by 30% or more to have the steroids. There are no statistically significant side effects for the short term. It would likely suppress our immune systems some, which is what I wanted to avoid, but lung disease can be a life long issue. The research does say that more studies need to be done on the long term effects but currently no side effects are known. Lung disease might mean a longer NICU stay, a difficult time feeding due to breathing interventions and possibly life long effects. We felt like it was probably in the best interest to give the steroids and hopefully he wouldn't need as much NICU time.

Our next issue was the protocol for preventative antibiotics. Two through IV and one orally. I am not a fan of antibiotics. I am a fan of having a healthy immune system through healthy good gut bacteria and have worked very hard to have a good microbiome so that when Monkey is born he gets a good dose of good bacteria to colonize his digestive system. It's a big deal to me and antibiotics would ruin this completely. If I had any sign of infection I would understand but at this time there are no signs of infection and although I'm at risk for infection the longer I have ruptured membranes, there are ways to limit the risk. And of course if I begin to show sigs then I'd take the medication.This is kind of a big deal to them that I am refusing this, but they agree to it. I've also clearly been labeled as a protocol breaker at this point ;).

Next we see the weekend on-call perinatologist (high risk preterm OB specialist). Up to this point everyone has been very understanding of our questioning their protocols. Very patient in my needing more information vs taking their word for it and very respectful of our desire to feel like we are making informed decisions. Our first perinatologist was not really any of these things. She is a specialist and expected us to purely respect her opinion and take it as law. She said I needed to take the antibiotics, needed to have a manual exam and needed to be induced at 34 weeks. The benefit of keeping baby in longer than that was not any greater while the risk for infection just continued to increase. I asked if we could discuss the induction at 34 weeks and she essentially said it wasn't a discussion point, it needed to happen. There was no reason to wait longer. As such, I asked if antibiotics were really necessary. To her, their purpose is really to prevent labor starting, since an infection could cause labor to start. Since I was so close to 34 weeks I didn't see the point in it. She agreed to this (shockingly) and I didn't ask to discuss any of her other recommendations. We did ask her if there was any way to find out why/how this happened or if we'd ever find out. She said we probably wont ever know why it happened. I didn't have any of the risk factors for pPROM, I was healthy and had experienced an uneventful pregnancy up to this point. It's just one of those things they can't explain. We also discussed the details of her plan to induce me.

The rest of the day went by with a few more test results coming back, constant monitoring for contractions and heart rate, and just settling into this new situation we found ourselves in. We didn't get a lot of sleep that night. There were moments of disbelieving laughter, moments of weeping and surrender in prayer and there was hope.

Blake and I had talked about getting away for a few nights, just the two of us before baby was born.. this wasn't exactly what we had in mind and was certainly more money than we were planning on spending. ;)

DAY TWO
Monday morning came and as the day progressed we saw that I was stable and even more important, Monkey was stable. His heart rate was great, still no contractions, no signs of infection etc. I felt the same as I did a few days ago and Monkey was behaving the same as he always did. I don't think he even knows that something is going on!

We spoke to a new perinatologist and voiced our concerns about induction at 34 weeks. Primarily, I'd like to see Monkey cook as long as we can let him. I understand that statistically his chances for thriving are no different between 34 and 37 weeks, but common sense would indicate nature and God had intended him to stay in the womb longer. The average outcome might be the same when you look at a large group of babies but this isn't the average this is our son. It's my job to nourish and protect him as long as I can. Additionally, being induced isn't ideal and can be unpleasant. It's not that I'm afraid of the discomfort, it's that it sounds so hard on our bodies. So unnatural. Here my body is closed up (save for a little leak) and not preparing for labor. Closed for business. Being induced when you're closer to full term and your body has begun opening the cervix but not dilated yet is one thing but to try to take me from zero to sixty purely by drugs just sounds hard on me and hard on Monkey. I feel like it might put him in more distress to have my body jack hammered open like that. I digress.

So the new perinatologist said that if we were uncomfortable with induction at 34 weeks he would be willing to discuss waiting until 35 weeks. He said that more recent studies are showing that there is more benefit in waiting until 35 weeks. So now the benefit of longer gestation does outweigh the risks of infection. We were really glad to hear this. So currently the plan is to wait until Thursday, October 1st for induction. I will (of course assuming things continue to go on as stable as they are now, and assuming I don't go into labor naturally) ask to extend that more once it gets closer because again, I want to keep this little guy where nature intended him as long as I can, and again, I'd really prefer for both of us that labor happen spontaneously. But I'm glad we've bought another week, even if it means sitting in this hospital room on bedrest for nine more days. We can take things as they come and reassess next week hopefully.

So for now we are praying that no infection creeps in, that Monkey stays stable and safe and that I don't lose too much amniotic fluid (or rather that I don't lose it faster than he can make it up), as there are some complications that could happen if there isn't enough amniotic fluid. Complications that could lead to an emergency surgical delivery, which of course we very much want to avoid. So far, they haven't seen any distressing signs of low amniotic fluid.

DAYS THREE & FOUR
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty routine days. I'd settled into being here. I'd gotten some snacks and better food, figured out how to get a few extras from the kitchen, got some changes of clothes and permission to take a shower. I had some great visitors, including some time with Emerson. Things have been very steady and stable. I had time to kill but felt like I was being productive by filling it with continuing ed and some compliance training I'd been putting off. I also got a little Netflix time in. My nurses have been great and best of all, I got a new bed on Wednesday. I'd been on a delivery bed, which splits in funny places for specific purposes and is pretty hard but my nurse Weds morning came in and immediately asked for a postpartum bed, which is more like your standard hospital bed. I'm guessing I'll sleep better tonight!

I had the same perinatalogist Monday through Wednesday, which was wonderful. He was very supportive and I found out on Weds, he was going out on a limb a little in supporting my 35 week plans, since it was going against protocol of the hospital. He had good information and data to support this decision though and I really appreciated him. All of my vital checks and non-stress tests on Monkey were coming back great. Everyone comments on what a happy little guy we have in there. I still feel great. I feel the same as I did last week despite all that is going on.

On Monday night, we had decided that Blake should go back home and work Tues, Weds, and part of Thursday. Things were probably as stable as they were going to be and we would rather save the vacation time for when Monkey was here with us. It was a hard decision but in the end a good one since things have remained steady and uneventful. It's been hard having him gone but again, I'm trying to make the best of the quiet time. It's the most time I've had to myself in years! I'm ready for him to be back though. I know he worries more when he's not here to see what's going on and of course there's the worry that if something happens, will he make it back in time. And of course, he's my partner in this journey and it's better when he's here to cry on his shoulder, vent about something and process the decisions. He's such a support to me and always makes things easier by just being here.

SO.. We'll see what the next week brings! Tomorrow I'm 34 weeks, so it's a relief to have easily made it to this point and there's hope that things will go smoothly through next Thursday. If all goes well, we'll have an October baby!

Monkey and the Second

We are the kind of parents that don't share (or necessarily decide on) a name until our baby is born, so we call this little guy Monkey.

I haven't talk much about Monkey's pregnancy and I've been pretty neglectful about taking pregnancy pictures. There's just something about your first pregnancy that allows for much more of this.. namely not having a kid yet ;) and there's something about all the unknown that made me want to document it more. In the end, I don't know that weekly bump pictures and all the details really make much of an impact in the long run. I think I'll enjoy looking back at some of the details I wrote down with Emerson's pregnancy and I do wish I'd had more time to journal a little about Monkey's pregnancy but I don't think all the bump pictures will get used. I thought I'd make a little book out of them, but a few are enough. Maybe I'll feel differently when my kids are older if they're more interested than Emerson is now. 

The thing about Monkey is that I don't know what to call this pregnancy. It's not my second pregnancy because I miscarried just before getting pregnant with him, but it's weird to call it my third pregnancy when I only have one living child. It's the awkward thing about miscarriages, especially really early ones. An interesting side note is that I've been pregnant almost all this year. (TMI warning) I got pregnant with the baby we lost on January first and got pregnant right away (unintentionally) after miscarrying. So there was a span of maybe two weeks that I wasn't pregnant. 

Monkey's pregnancy has been very different than Emerson's in a lot of ways. First, I have a better idea what to expect and that changes things. It's still exciting but not in that everything-is-new kind of way. Almost a little deeper because you know just how sweet it is to meet your baby. I also eat very differently now than I did with Emerson and as a result weigh less and have significantly less (basically no) joint pain, which was an issue with Emerson's pregnancy. Both Emerson and Monkey's pregnancies were/have been uncomplicated and easy by any standard definition of pregnancies, but for me, Monkey's has been better than Emerson's. 

Monkey's pregnancy was also bittersweet because we had just lost a baby we didn't meet. We also didn't really know why I miscarried but did know we were at a higher risk for miscarriage do to my genetic issue, which made us wonder if this was going to be a trend. Since my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage early, it wasn't clear if it was my genetics, just something that would have happened anyway or possibly low progesterone (the most likely candidate). This loss tainted the first few months of growing Monkey because I was so sure I was going to lose him too. We hadn't intended to get pregnant right away but (TMI) miscarriage changed my cycle enough that we didn't realize I was fertile when I was. I'd planned on having some labs done, taking some supplements, and giving my body and emotions time to recoup. 

I didn't really accept that I was going to ever meet Monkey until I was about 16 weeks and still doing fine. By then I was well into my second trimester and hadn't been able to really celebrate or document the pregnancy. It was just too hard. There's a funny stigma about miscarriages, especially early ones. It's like your aren't really supposed to talk about it or act like it was your kid. Now, I'm sure miscarrying at almost 6 weeks is completely different emotionally than miscarrying further on, but difficult nonetheless. That baby was still my second child, Monkey is still my third, even if I don't say it that way out loud when they are both standing next to me someday. 

All that to say... Monkey.. I'm sorry you've been neglected in the documentation department.

Really, it's been such an easy pregnancy there isn't much to say. Other than some nausea early on because I was using progesterone (in case that was the cause of my miscarriage with my second pregnancy). After that went away at 16 weeks I had the same light headed issues from low blood pressure that I had with Emerson, and I have had braxton hicks contractions but not nearly as bad as with Emerson (because now I now about the miracle of magnesium lotion). At about 30 weeks I was starting to feel like I was a whale and tired of being pregnant already but once I figured out a better pillow set up I started sleeping better and that helped. 

It's funny that I started this pregnancy almost 15 lbs lighter than with Emerson and I eat crazy healthier given that I can't eat refined sugar or gluten.. but still I've gain basically the same amount of weight, just at different rates (gained very little with Emerson at first, more later; more with Monkey at first, less later). 

I also crave similar things, with my general craving being fruit, fruit, fruit, just like with Emerson. I've had other shorter term cravings too like biscuits or gyros, but some of the things I ate a lot with Emerson I just don't eat now so there's no point in craving them! Biscuits is one of those things but it was pretty strong.. so I found a gluten free recipe that has made my heart happy. (And now I want a biscuit.)

Monkey barely ever gets hiccups. Like maybe once a day, only a few times a week. Emerson got them like clockwork four times a day. Emerson was always spot on where she was supposed to be growth wise and Monkey has been a little big since about 20 weeks (mostly by uterus size measurements). Emerson was always perfectly positioned with her head down (you know, until just before she was born!) and Monkey gave us some worry by being transverse for awhile and then we weren't sure if he was head down or up. At my last midwife appt we confirmed he was securely head down but there was a little worry there for awhile! 

At 33 weeks we're just getting ready to have a baby shower and then it's time to get real and get ready for him. I have things set aside and I've picked out some of the gender neutral things and put away the baby girl things but I haven't really made the changing table/dresser his yet. It still has miscellaneous Emerson and diaper stuff. Soon though! Once I get all the fun boy clothes I think I'll feel like I can get organized. 

I may not have taken lots of pictures to write little notes to you on, but Monkey, we love you just the same! We are pretty sure we have your name picked out and we wonder if you'll have red hair like your sister. Speaking of your sister, she pretty much thinks you're awesome, and she also thinks that maybe you are my belly button. She loves to 'lay on baby brother' and talk to you. She laughs when you go kick her and go 'bump bump' and she's always checking in to see if you're awake or sleeping. She's been reading books and learning all the ins and outs of being a big sister, like how she can't pick you up or feed you but is excited to hold your hand, sing you twinkle twinkle and kiss your forehead. 

Monkey, you are my little kicker, always moving and wiggling! I'm excited to see what you'll be like on the outside and if your wiggle worm tendencies will mean you're going to be full of energy or if you'll be mellow like your sister (she was a wiggle worm too but not quite as much as you!). We love you either way!

Babies

It's not too surprising given our life circumstances and her age but Emerson is pretty into her babies lately. She's gone through a few spurts of packing around a baby, a day or two at the most but this time she's going on weeks. It's. Adorable. 

She'll stop mid-activity and exclaim that her baby has woken up, needs a nap/bottle/diaper etc., rushing off to take care of it. She comes back and reports how baby is doing or brings baby to me to hold or help. 

She's so sweet with them, so gentle and tender. She kisses their tiniest owies, wraps them in blankets, talks to them in her high-pitched sweet voice. You can tell she's been around a few baby lovers ;). She's similar with real babies save for a slightly shorter attention span when they wiggle and kick. 

It's no surprise that she takes good care of her babies, she's my little helper. She brings me the broom and holds the dustpan, sprays the cleaner while I mop, stirs when we bake and sits next to me 'helping' anytime I'm cooking. She's such a little mother and nurturer. When I hurt myself she rushes over to blow it kisses and bring me oil. She'll say, "Oh momma, owie? I sorry momma. Where your owie? Here? {air kiss} {air kiss} {air kiss} All better now momma." (She air kisses her own owies too with a similar narrative). That's just one example that comes to mind, she's always rushing off saying "I go get it momma (I do det it)" if I mention I need something, laughing with me if I forgot something, "ha, silly momma!" and randomly encouraging me when I do anything from go to the bathroom to find her missing toy or say that I've finished a task, "Nice job momma!! Nice Job!" In general, she just keeps life sweet with her little supportive or obvious comments as she narrates our day. How I adore her. 

Anyway, back to the babies. On Monday, she brought one of her babies to me and told me how baby was crying. She was hungry. "Baby need milt, momma. Poor baby." and then you could see this lightbulb go on in her head. "Oh!" She said, "I have Ma ma ma!" (Ma ma ma is what she said for mama milk or nursing) and she lifted up her dress and nursed her baby. "I nursing baby, momma!! I have ma ma ma!" 

I figured at some point she'd nurse her babies, but up until now she'd always given them bottles, which struck me as funny since she nursed for so long. But then she mostly saw other babies getting bottles (you don't really *see* babies nursing as much because most moms wear a cover). I thought for sure once she saw me nursing baby brother she'd start nursing her babies. I didn't expect it Monday but it was priceless to see her revelation. She sat down and asked for a pillow for baby as she explained how hungry baby was, "baby need yots of milt, mommy". 

I'm not saying she'll be perfect when baby brother comes but I'm sure she'll be sweet (mostly) and I look forward to watching her with him. 

I'm sure she'll love this in 12 years. ;)

It Happens

This is one of Emerson's favorite sayings.

"It happens" or "It is happens. Ya, it does. I sink so." 

She spills something, drips paint, pees her underwear, breaks something, falls down, draws off the page onto the table/couch/floor, toots or sneezes on you... It happens! She has unmeasurable grace for herself. 

The thing is though, you dropped something, forgot something, tripped, broke something? It happens! She has unmeasurable grace for you too. 

A few weeks ago she grabbed for a glass in the cup holder of the car door as I was putting her in. I didn't realize it until the glass was bumped from her hand and shattering at my feet. I was less than enthused about picking up shards of glass in the middle of a parking lot, under the car, on a 100 degree day whilst 7 months pregnant. I wasn't exactly happy about it but couldn't quite figure out how to tell her she was in the wrong and while I was pondering it she said, "Ohhh no! I broke the glass! It happens, momma. It happens." I (kind of begrudgingly) said that yes, it does happen but we need to be careful. 

I was feeling like she had no sense of responsibility or caution and could just blow things off with 'it happens' until.. 

Less than a week later we're at a park picnic table and she falls trying to climb up. In my hurry to help her, I knock my glass off the table. I feel a little silly for having a glass cup on concrete as people are helping me pick it up (but we're just glass kind of people and oddly enough, we've not had any breaks before these). After Emerson recovers from her fall trauma she sees that I broke the glass. And in he sweetest, most reassuring voice a 2 year old can manage, she said, "Ohhh, momma broke the glass. {sad face} It happens momma. It otay, it happens."

Silly as it is, I realized how nice it is for someone to quickly reassure you that that accident was just that, an accident. No reason for extra guilt. 

We are working on saying sorry in conjunction with 'it happens' because some accidents happen to other people's stuff and, two or not, sorry is the social rule. But I don't really restrict the 'it happens' because I'm sure it's just a phase and I know I sure enjoyed being the recipient of it when I was the one at fault. Why not let her make herself feel a little better if that's how she processes her accidents. 

"It happens momma" (sneezed food on her arm) 

Emerson Lately

I saw someone post an entry from their kid journal on FB and while I love the idea, I also know it's a lofty goal. I thought I'd try to get a few thoughts down from time to time via the blogger app.

Today my girl is a paintaholic. After breakfast she sat quietly at her desk and painted four pages, and now after nap she's at it again. She has just recently become more independent with this. She used to 'paint' with water and maybe mix  a color or three and then ask for an adult to come help (aka basically start and finish it). She loved it either way, but she needed a lot of prompting to use all the colors and paint more than just the main object on the page. I'm not criticizing, she's only two, but it's been fun to see her advance and become more independent. Even more so, it's sweet to see her take such pride in her work. She is so focused and talks herself through the parts of he picture she wants to paint and talks out loud about using each color, "Oops. Forgot yellow. Yellow grass I think. Ya. Yellow grass. Okay, there we go. That's better!" And my favorite part, when she's all done, the most excited and proud, "YOOT (look) momma!!" As she holds up her finished work. 

It's so sweet to watch her :). Her little mind at work, her methodical way of getting every corner of the paint square wet, the way she taps the water drops off her brush. I just love it. 

Six Years

Six years. It seems like yesterday and forever all at the same time.

This last year has been deep and real. There's something about a toddler that both brings you together and wears you down. The monotony of life, the routines, the taking of turns for who brushes her teeth and who's lap she sits on during Bible time. It's just a whole different spin on the things that used to make us, 'us'. Add to that several tough career decisions, a miscarriage, another pregnancy, over a year living in limbo and finally beginning the process of having a house built. Our strengths and weaknesses have been tested, magnified and balanced.

As exhausting as life and a two year old can be, mutual adoration of said two year old (and each other) and the mutual investment in our family's future also has a way of bringing you together. I have a deeper love and respect for my sweet husband as I watch him love and parent our daughter. I also need him more and differently than I've needed him before and seeing him selflessly come through for me on a daily basis is humbling and real. Real love, in the trenches. I'm telling you, this man is pure gold. And the value of this gold just keeps increasing, regardless of the market.

This phase of life has it's ups and downs but it's so temporary and we both know it. Babies and toddlers are only such for a little while, and before we know it we'll be knee deep in the next phase. There's so much that is sweet about life right now. So many moments that you try to etch in your mind and hold on to. So many things that change so quickly. It's true that nice dinners, dates, formal wear, adult-only vacations and the like have been put on the back burner for now, but there's so much to absorb as our bab(ies) grow and we know these things don't really make a marriage. That said, we are hoping for a weekend away without our sweet toddler before November. :)

Another fun tidbit. This year marks 20 years of knowing each other! Twenty years ago this summer I met a precocious red head at the fair and had no idea how much he'd change my life eventually. You can read the story here if you haven't heard it before.

And of course, we continue our traditional anniversary photo.. and had some fun while we were there with my parents and Ellie.

And our family..

And a little behind the scenes... this is how Blake really feels about how long it takes to set up a picture ;). I reminded him that this photo means six blessed years of being married to me and this is the face he made...